aspirations*inspired_____

2012-02-10T22:33:00.002+08:00

Things we do

for love.

I have finally landed myself a job. I think? An application I sent in late last year, so far back that I don't exactly have a clue what was the post I applied for. So the phone call came yesterday afternoon and in a state of confusion I just agreed without thinking much. And when the call ended a rush of thoughts came clouding over my head. By signing up for this anonymous job at the IRAS means I'm forsaking the linguistics job at the GIC, and the obviously cooler sounding job for the Singapore Arts Festival with the NAC. Hmm whatever maybe I shouldn't be thinking too much about this... because it's good enough to have a job.

This whole week has been quite a week of reflection and introspection. Besides several recurring nightmares about results day and many sleepless nights (ummm I think that's just because my body clock is wonky), a few arguments with my mother had shaken me quite a bit. Driven me to think and ponder about where my life was heading... which is currently no where. So for the rest of the week I was cooping myself up in this shell of inferiority. First world pains, seriously.

For now I just really need God to grant me the purity of the mind and give me this strength to love generously. Because tomorrow is Saturday again. Another week gone.

Still I can't wait for Heyong's farewell dinner with the usual Evokx guys and girls tomorrow.

2012-02-07T00:34:00.002+08:00

Live worthy

of your calling.

Finally an official outing with my Korean sarang Heyong! What an accomplished (and tiring) day it was... We finally checked out The Loft at Smith Street, they serve awesome buttermilk pancakes. And since we were in the area, obviously Heyong couldn't resist getting her favourite Tong Heng egg tarts. Oakham Market was closed...as usual (now we know it only opens on Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays) so we popped by The Little Drom Store instead and -bam- Heyong broke her $1000 note, YES A THOUSAND, to buy the bag she's been eyeing.

The Loft Pancakes & Waffles 268A South Bridge Road, #02-01
Tong Heng Confectionery 285 South Bridge Road
The Little Drom Store 7 Ann Siang Hill

She finally bought her camera from Sim Lim from the very persuasive salesman/ uncle who also attempted to sell me wide angle lens with filter for $200... but after consulting James aka the camera pro in my opinion, I decided not to waver. So now we have matching sibling model cameras - the Canon G11 and G12! And check out my new Stitch iPhone case... insanely cute but uncomfortably awkward. I feel so judged everytime I bring it out on the train or wherever.

Did many old school things together - for the last time probably before she flies off to Aussie for 6 freaking years. Took cheap neoprints and caught a night movie, things we haven't done since I don't know when man. By the time she officially returns we'll all be what, 25 (not to mention our dear friend Babz will turn... 37 oh my goodness)? Ummm when I'm 25 I'll probably be hoping to get hitched already mmmhahaha just saying.

Part 2 of us conquering Singapore to come tomorrow!

By the way our lifegroup succeeded our very first #eatpraylove prayer chain today... within 2 hours-ish woop woop!

2012-01-30T18:47:00.002+08:00

Upset and heartbroken,

but I'll live.

I'm typing this with a heavy heart.

As I scurried around the island last week I felt frustrated with myself, and tired of all the things that were happening. I was angry that everything had to happen either concurrently or consecutively.

To make a long story short, I took time over the weekend to ponder hard about my life. Seemingly enjoyable but in actual fact a derailed mess. It looked as though I leaving around temporary trails everywhere.

So the conclusion is I was wrong. I thought I could handle everything at once on my hands, but I can't. I thought I could multi-task, but I can't. I thought I could hide away for 5 months, but I can't. I thought I could do it, but I can't. Now it's too late for arguments and my case has been submitted.

I'm sitting out of this concert.

A thunderstorm just struck my heart.

2012-01-23T02:18:00.003+08:00

In this

deep, dark night.

Funny how vulnerable I've allowed myself to become. All over the place, everyone were having a (I suppose) a great deal of festive cheer at their own family reunion dinners. While I had to put up with the increasing depressing ring in the air year after year.

Even as things got really bad, it never got to this state. For the first time in my 18 years, we did not have a reunion dinner together. The father went back to his parents' place for dinner while my mom already cooked a spread, without prior notice. Honestly I'm beyond angry and upset. This is one man who has ruined my perception of that gender group since young. Am I surprised? Seriously, why did I even let this incident get to me and affect me so badly? Or is it even more saddening that when such things happen, I only have Kristine to turn to?

In a few hours' time the entire household will go berserk again. Like it has every year, because of the same man too. I'm not prepared to enter the grandparents' place (which we used to affectionately call it 'ma ma jia'). The last time I saw my grandmother was Chinese New Year, before I came down full-fledged with the stomach flu. No more grandmother this year at her house. Behind the whole list of traditions the entire family has to observe this year because it hasn't been a year since she left, I know everything has changed.

Does anyone else understand this tight knot of confusion within my heart?

I guess not.

2012-01-22T00:41:00.003+08:00

Forever,

and ever.

When Toh was going through the translation for Pater Noster, which is in fact our very familiar Lord's prayer, something tiny just moved within me. All the very familiar and well-known words,

Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.
And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil: For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever. Amen.

What a powerful yet easily overlooked segment of the Word, which reminded me of the eternal nature of God.

Today marked the end of our journey at Nexus, and yet opens up to a new chapter at the Axis. This is not just a time of moving location wise, but also individually as the grads group prepare ourselves to move on. Nexus wasn't my spiritual birth place (Suntec was), but it was where I grew up spiritually. During this period of time I've served in a total of 5 lifegroups, stepped up to serve in my awesome ministry, brought a few friends to church... although unfortunately I've never got the opportunity to take care of a sheep for long enough (still and will be perturbed by the fact). When we move to Axis, big things are going to happen. Bigger things. I will not be as easily insecure as before, I shall make the best out of whatever chance I have to serve, I will not be so easily affected by small petty words that others say. Whether I eventually choose to move on to Uni-YA or MinOps. I know myself best, and because God is forever the same I choose to fix my eyes on Him and Him only, nobody else.

On a side note, I got offered to consider taking up the publicity portfolio of Evokx, and to also work with the designer from our Filipino counterparts for the concert this May. Hmm, I really don't know. While I really, really, really want to take up all these very fulfilling roles, I'm worried if I would be able to live up to T's and perhaps the current exco's expectations of me. I'm honoured and humbled that people are supposedly earmarking me to step up, but if it's gonna sabotage my own mental and emotional wellbeing... it's not worth it is it? Plus to maintain the publicity portfolio of an organisation, what does it exactly take? At this current moment I am just really torn. For now, I'll just say yes to the May project. And I hope that whoever their designer is, the person works on Mac interface of Illustrator CS 5... so that life will be smoother sailing. For him or her, for me, for us, for everyone. And if it's not being too greedy, I just pray that things will fall into their own places as we go along. I don't want to have another argument with T or another tension session with YC, or stir up any unhappiness with anyone else. Even now as I think back about whatever happened last year final quarter I cringe.

Let's all just be joyful in everything we do. :-)

By the way, when is T going to speak to me about his tweets spam to me? I don't like to be left hanging!

2012-01-08T23:40:00.002+08:00

Is it even
worth it.

While reflecting on last year and making plans for this year I got lost. I never really managed to figure out exactly happened last year. It literally galloped away behind my back, and before I knew it I'd gotten to the end of the year.

I'd made so many impulsive decisions, messily made my way through the end of school, screwed up many things and lost a couple of friends or rather acquaintances along the way.

Then I heard the Chinese New Year songs and suddenly I thought of grandma all over again. Determined as I was to not dwell my mind upon her, it just struck me that this coming New Year when we go back to ma ma jia, it will never be the same again. Ma ma won't be lazing on the armchair offering me every single goodie available, nor would she be lying so frailly in bed not even uttering a single word. I don't know how I might feel then, but I'm bracing myself for it.

This year it might just very well be all about bracing myself.

2012-01-02T21:52:00.001+08:00

In love and gentleness,

do everything with God.

We had our last gathering of the year at Kristine's place, but our supposed Korean theme went haywire except for the pot of ramyun (which Terrence says he has not tried them before... say WHAT), the pack of ho-dduk and our severely overcooked goguma. Launched into a series of lectures about life by who else but Terrence that made the depressed kid of the night. Ended up with a hungover the following morning thinking that while everyone's going places and convicted of their future paths, I'm stuck in a limbo... Especially after Terrence gave the "F-AHHH?!?!" after hearing about me wanting to read Political Science instead of ADM. Oh and he said very convictedly that "Chris you can't do it." Limbo combo. Too many thoughts to process within a night.

Then the two of us squeezed into his tiny convertible to speed home, him for his video conference about next year's concert. (Actually now I'm numb to the car already, it's perfectly fine when I'm not carrying a guitar) And while speeding lecturer Toh started talking again. Sometimes it's really meaningful kind of meaningful to spend one on one time talking to him.

Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.
Lesson of the day by the wise lecturer - pride is a sin.

So after our aptly named gathering Baboque I fell sick full fledged. What a way to end off a tiring year. Missed out on end year designers' retreat at the long-awaited Group Therapy Cafe (my luck seriously) and I will chide myself about this for quite a while. Exploited the last bits of our student privileges by making a trip down to the museum and managed to catch the Dreams and Reality exhibition for free! And at long last finally satisfied my desire to check out Brunetti. Their breathtaking selection of cakes, sweets and gelato left Kristine and I ogling like little children at the counter. Definitely at the top of our list of cafes now until something better and more worth the money comes along!

By the way I've gotten my new pair of Ray-Ban from Sonia's shop, at a reasonably low price.

First meet up of the year with James today, after experiencing the legendary "adult fare hysteria". Every single 'beep' the card reader makes sounds like a censored profanity my wallet is exclaiming. We wanted to visit some "artsy fartsy place" and because our wallets were already bleeding from the travel fares we decided to check out some place near. Ended up going to Marmalade Toast which was given an extremely good review by ladyironchef.com. What can I say? We were first a bit put off by the prices, then the portion of the cakes scared us. James' chocolate fudge truffle looked... out of the world. It was huge, and obviously for that size who can complain about the price? Definitely not for one person to finish off on his own. My apple and cinnamon pie was a bit disappointing though. They didn't really warm it up but that wasn't the point. I'm not sure if it was because my flu made my taste buds weird or the pie tasted like sour plum to me and it started drying up halfway.

But if only we'd read the review clearly before going, we would have been smarter at the ordering. Nonetheless it was time well-spent and I don't regret sapping my ez-link card dry to travel all the way to town to meet him. Got rather inspired by this dude but I shan't share much until and unless I put his words into actions.

Bottom line is, no matter what I choose to do, at the end of the day I have to stay true to myself and know that God is real. Being a Christian does not define me as nice, but instead to speak the truth. Because You are the way, the truth and the life.

So thankful for understanding people like him who speaks so aptly into my life.

2012 has started off well. With God I'm ready to take it on.

2011-12-28T16:17:00.001+08:00

Harder

to understand you.

For the past 18 years of my life you've been unhappy with me. Unhappy about me going to Chung Cheng instead of the highly coveted Dunman High. Unhappy about me studying the arts stream in JC instead of the science stream. Unhappy that me being an arts kid has closed off several prestigious future life endeavors. Unhappy about my lack of interest to pursue a degree in medicine since young. Unhappy that I am worth nothing to brag about to relatives and friends. Unhappy that I'm not working and earning extra allowance just because everyone else is. Unhappy about the fact that I'm interested in applying to ADM instead of some prestigious-sounding course. Unhappy that I aspire to be a designer which she is utterly convinced will not earn me big bucks. Unhappy about me singing in Evokx. Unhappy about every single thing.

Nowadays I find it getting harder to understand her, harder to communicate with her, harder to get along with her. I'd rather we be like me and my dad if that's the case. We're not on talking terms but we're neutral with each other.

I don't understand why is it so hard.

In preschool, she sent me for arts classes, phonics classes, chinese classes... I went.

In primary school, she sent me for piano classes, violin classes, dance classes, tuition for every single subject... I went.

In secondary school, she sent me for extra math tuition and I went.

In JC, she wanted me to go JC and I went.

For the past 18 years I have been living my life the way she wanted me to.

Heck, it's my life mom. Not yours.

So much for saying you will support me no matter what. Lies.

2011-12-25T00:07:00.001+08:00

2 years,

on the dot.

Christmas has become different ever since.

Thank you God.

2011-12-23T09:14:00.002+08:00

'Tis the season

to do alot of things

So about a week after my near-embarrassing incident at the bank (which involved me queueing up for 20 minutes to borrow a pen from the receptionist in order to cross Terrence's cheque, no wait I even asked her if I needed to cross it first, and she was not amused at all) I went back again to update my passbook.

To check if I'd successfully become a millionaire now.

-disclaimer- In case anyone here thinks that the cheque was my paycheck for the program booklet, no no no it isn't.

So yes back to the millionaire dream. Obviously with $800 from the SBL and $90 from Terrence I wouldn't strike rich duh. Not to mention that the $90 was mine to begin with. And if anyone was guessing, yes I'm actually fretting over tuition fees for university next fall. Why? Because the father has indicated that he isn't willing to support me for university education. Seriously. For his only child. He doesn't want to.

But I received a letter from my MP Baey Yam Keng that day and they're giving me $250 for GOOD PROGRESS in my academics. How long has it been since I've received something based on my studies? SBL was one... but this is another thing entirely.

So now Christina is 1/10 away from getting over the costs for university education.

I'm so overly-concerned about it that I no longer make any sense.

2011-12-19T15:47:00.002+08:00

As you get older

you realise things.

So many considerations you have to make before you can actually pursue what you truly want.

And the consequences of pursuing what you really want.

And whether you should protect the people you love, or protect your dream.

I thought it would all be easy after finishing off A's.

But it seems that it wasn't even the final trial.

It's the first.

2011-12-18T18:34:00.002+08:00

Singing

for a good cause.

After a year long of practices, Evocation 2011: The Art of Giving has come to a close last night at the NUS Yong Siew Toh Conservatory of Music.

It wasn't perfect. It all started with an extremely rocky morning at home. Fancy having an emotional breakdown right before I was supposed to leave home, and leaving home with really red and puffy eyes. Then the remaining of the day just passed really quickly. We had some slip-ups here and there, my shoes were giving me a whole lot of problems, the nerve entrapment problem in my hands decided to act up for both shows, not everyone got to write on Terrence's card, the backstage was in a frenzy... but we made it. I felt emotional rather than accomplished, especially after Terrence's speech... my mind was literally in a mess.

If that one random day on Facebook when Heyong told me to go listen to Northern Lights didn't happen, all this probably wouldn't have taken place either. Sigh life is so strange and quirky.

Okay now this person. In short, he has given his best and he deserves the best. I mean, Evokx wouldn't be the same without him. Maybe without him I probably wouldn't join Evokx either, because there's a level of trust and faith between us which led to me making that courageous leap. Terrence please take good care of yourself so that we can continue being Evokx-ed for at least a good couple of years more down the road.

Next person. It was one of the greatest regrets of yesterday not being able to have Steven around. Especially when people kept coming up to me to compliment his sketches. This inspirational guy was the one who renewed my motivation; to pick myself up and keep going on when the program booklet was in a mess. He is also the same guy that met our ridiculous deadlines, submitting sketches within 2 days' notice and re-sketching from scratch whenever Terrence asked. All this was done in the midst of him heading the communications team for camp and adapting to his new job. "Hands and feet." "Be a blessing to others in the same way you have been blessed."

I need to let these two awesome guys meet up one day for a meal treat.

And how can I forget, all these dear friends who've so willingly (okay maybe not so willingly) gave up their $20 to come for the concert? Even more so when majority of them probably have not experienced a full choral concert before and might be bored by the repertoire. Nonetheless, time after time, they've rendered their love and support and I'm grateful. I thank God for them because I am assured no matter what I do, they've got my back.

So... is this... the end?

2011-12-15T22:15:00.002+08:00

Curtain

CALL.

Today.

10am. We waited outside the printing office. They made us sign some documents. This dude loaded the packages into the van. We ripped the plastic wrap apart. I tore out the sample booklet stuck onto the bundle. And we stared at it in silence.

From my point of view, my heart was sprinting at the speed of a mile a second. There were too many mixed emotions overwhelming me. Touched that this was my official first independent commercial project. Comforted that all that we've been through has finally been rewarded. Excited to share the good news with the rest, Toh especially. Nervous about opinions of others. Apprehensive if it looks good to the public. Scared if there were any mistakes that we really overlooked despite our repeated proof-readings. Thankful that amidst all I was the one chosen to do this. (I realise I always feel roughly the same things)

Though I'd better own up first before anyone points it out: I misspelled Ilay Gandangan... as Iilay. Really very extremely careful. Please let me bury my head somewhere soon... in case the sun comes and burn me to death as a punishment (Ilay being a song about the sun)! :-(

Few post-mortem thoughts after I pulled myself out from all the excitement.

- Paper could have been thicker... if we had more budget.

- Bleed was not done well enough.

- Font size actually no need to be so big.

That's all... for now.

P.S. It smells really good, for no reason. Maybe that's why it was so pricey.

2011-12-13T23:44:00.002+08:00

This is my

Kairos Moment.

2 years in the JC district has changed me alot. Do you know how fast time passes?

1 year ago was the Fireproof camp.

1 year ago, Caleb and I were sitting at the netball court and we prayed for God to use me and move in Chiewtong's life.

1 year later, Chiewtong is now with us growing daily in the family of God.

1 year ago, Brian came up to me and prayed for me to be defiant for the Lord.

1 year later, my defiance has brought me thus far and we sat at the stairs talking about my future.

1 year ago, Raphael was praying for me to grow in my pastoral ministry and my grandma.

1 year later, he prayed for God to help find my identity within Him and grandma is no longer around.

1 year ago, I was in awe of how well the camp comm managed to do everything.

1 year later, I was part of the camp comm and realised that everything isn't as easy as everyone else thinks.

1 year makes a whole lot of difference.

And I wonder why it took me 1 year to realise this.

This camp, God spoke differently. Last year He spoke to me in the most distinct manner during prayer night. This year I thought He wasn't speaking to me, but I was dead wrong. God speaks in the most subtle ways.

He told me to check my heart. He told me to purify my motives. He told me to learn to trust. He told me to deny myself. He told me to let go. God wants my 100%.

This year I've been a lousy servant. Sure I've stepped up as a shepherd - but not for long before my sheep left. I've joined the coreteam - but then I guess I kinda wasn't a part of it anymore. I took the risk to join the camp comm during my A's period - but someone asked if I did it out of responsibility; and because of A's I honestly felt I let the team down too. I went back on my word last year and joined Evokx - and a part of me knows that it slowly became a distraction in my own spiritual walk; and I allowed it to happen. I wonder why God still wants me even. Why doesn't God just tell me "You've been lousy, you've been a waste of resources, I don't need you anymore so just leave. Bye and have a nice life on your own."?

Instead I've been using God as my slave or my genie or my Santa or my Doraemon. I don't really know how to express this in words, but God has spoken and given me a call. He told me to let go of the 10% I've been so stubbornly holding on to, so I asked Him what was the missing 10%... and He said, very clearly, "Choir. Let go."

Like I've told Raphael, choir is something that I've grown up with and it's technically and emotionally a part of me now. To let go of choir is something that I've never anticipated in my whole life. If I could I would sing for eternity... So the first thing I told God was "Are you kidding me? Seriously first you denied me a chance to sing in church, now you're denying me to sing outside too?". Maybe God doesn't like to hear me sing. Maybe He thinks I sound too pop too.

Even at this moment I'm still filled with conflicting emotions. I want to serve God, but I also want to keep on singing. After coming back from camp I've been carrying a heavy heart towards Saturday's concert. I don't know if it'll be the last time I'll see the Evokx folks. I don't know if it'll be the last time I sing with Evokx. I don't know if it'll be the last time I'll ever stand on stage. I don't know if it'll be my last concert. I don't know if it'll be the last time I get to be conducted by Toh. I don't know if I'll ever get to design a program booklet for a concert again. I don't know if there will ever be a 'next time'. Especially if I take on the call to go over to MinOps next year.

Life with God is never a bed of roses you see.

But before Saturday comes, I just wanted to say how much I've grown to love Evokx.

To me, it has unexpectedly become a family on its own.

And I think God gave me this too.

2011-12-10T20:17:00.003+08:00

God is my master,

He is not my slave.

Nor is he my genie-in-a-bottle, or my santa claus.

I should stop abusing God.

-Kairos Camp Day 1

God is slowly pointing me to making decisions for my future...

2011-12-04T20:48:00.002+08:00

Life...

blooms and withers.

As surprising it might come unexpected from the moment a flicker of life begins in the mother's womb, as sudden it might leave as well without any buffer time.

Today I went to visit grandma at the memorial hall. After weeks of recurring dreams of me being at her wake. I don't know where is she now, I don't believe in the rites that they perform for the deceased, I don't think the incense we burn will ever reach them... But what I know is that grandma has stopped suffering from pain. For a total of exactly 8 months as of today.

Never take people around you for granted, never take your own life for granted.

At this moment another dear friend is talking about death, and actually I'd just wish everything will be alright. One can only endure so much pain in a day.

2011-12-03T21:50:00.003+08:00

All this

will never go back to normal again.

Troublemaker.

How many more hearts must be broken in order for the lesson to be learnt?

God says, "Forgive, and you will be forgiven."

I think I'll listen to His advice.

And why do the pre-camp devotions speak so accurately? So on Thursday it was about the build-up of character. Yesterday was about the build-up of faithfulness and trust. "Much like love, trust is also built up over time, and your faithfulness is all ministry matters big and small has built for yourself a large reservoir of faithfulness. Yet I will advise you to watch your heart, for all it takes is one small drop to contaminate the entire reservoir. Guard your heart, and don't let pride get in the way of your faithfulness. Learn to be thankful instead for trust is something that is awarded by another person, and like grace, isn't something we deserve."

Then today?! Come and remind about the promise of courage. "Whatever it is, choose to respond courageously should the need arise." And then it went on to talk about hiding or downplaying the fact that we are Christians because we want to prevent unnecessary persecution.

Dear God, why do You know me so well?

Now I just feel like giving everyone a big big big hug. -sob-

2011-12-02T23:19:00.003+08:00

If only

I could

This week has been a really bad week.

I fought with some people, I cried over words people flung in my face, I got questioned about my faith in God, I broke down over the phone, I cried myself to sleep, I had work being pushed back to be redone, I caused my dear friends to quarrel, I got sick, I dreamt of grandma's funeral... you get the drift. It wasn't supposed to go this way, it wasn't supposed to end up like this.

If rewinding time back to last week would help prevent all this from happening, I would. Even if it means me taking my exams again. I wouldn't mind. Yes indeed and of course I've learnt something, but deep down inside I know that all this could've been avoided. Things could've been done in a better way and still bring the same results. Sans the hurt and the pain and the anger... But now it's all too late. The damage's been done. The pain's been inflicted. The scars are here to stay. Will they fade with time? I don't know. If only I did.

Tonight I wrote a really raw sad song on the guitar, and I flung it out of the window. If only I could. At the end of the day accolades of Man really don't matter, because humans are just flawed and ugly by nature.

Bottom line is, truly deeply I've been hurt. And I don't really want to feel anymore, for now. In just less than a week, I've been reduced to an untrustworthy person, a religious hypocrite, an unfilial child, a burdensome friend, an incapable designer, an uncontrollable soul... When those rhetorical questions about God got flung into my face so ruthlessly all I thought of was Jeanette's mother, "If there's such a thing as spiritual adultery, my mother was a whore."

Tomorrow is another day. I don't know if I can survive.

I would want to make everything okay. But I can't.

And now I can only wish that I could.

(now playing - Christina Perri's A Thousand Years)

2011-12-01T22:37:00.003+08:00

Set-up right,

and flee.

Flee the evil desires of youth and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart. Don’t have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels. And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful.

- 2 Timothy 2:22-24

I have been called not because it is an easy task, but rather something I will need to go against the grain of fear for. Nothing worth doing is ever easy, and nothing that can be gotten easily will mould me from within.

Run away from infantile indulgence. Run after mature righteousness—faith, love, peace—joining those who are in honest and serious prayer before God. Refuse to get involved in inane discussions; they always end up in fights.

Growing in my character is not an overnight occurrence, it is a process. I need to get my character set-up right.

Whatever happened this few days, was probably a harsh reminder for me to do my pre-camp devotions daily obediently and faithfully. Even though things may look ugly now, but I'm learning. Learning more about myself, and reflecting upon how much more I can grow.

I serve a faithful and merciful God who loves me beyond measure and gives me endless second chances.

2011-11-30T02:19:00.003+08:00

I was wrong.

So bloody wrong.

Yes please just direct all your problems to me.

I'll take responsibility. Afterall, everything is my fault.

Extremely hard to find joy in such situations where you just feel like you've either been cheated of your hard(heart)work, you've became the scapegoat, or like everything you've done is nothing compared to a careless screwup that wasn't even caused by you yourself.

The analogy is just: someone stabbing you with a knife, and then leaving you there to bleed, then coming back to retrieve the knife and tell you to do something about the wound all on your own. And this cycle repeats.

I just want to say that I don't think I deserved this.

2011-11-28T19:33:00.003+08:00

It's a...

TERRific but TTiring weekend.

After what seemed to be forever... we have finally come to an end of a chapter. From one random afternoon when Babo said he needed an illustrator, to me unknowingly taking charge of this project, to us forming an unofficial design team, and then meeting a rather queer printer whom I don't understand at times. And then there were times I felt really helpless, lost, confused, angry, alone... wondering how come I seemed to be all on my own when everyone else was so nonchalant about it and I should be studying instead.

But after an intense weekend of staying up to 3am ever since A's ended, waking up not to the alarm clock but instead to Babo's messages... the program booklet is finally done up and safely sent it to the printer for print (okay hold that thought until the thing comes out). I don't know why but I'm feeling slightly nostalgic and empty when Babo gave the green light for submission. Perhaps because now I really have nothing to do except go down for the proofing tomorrow and then doing out a few designs for shepherds' appreciation night and camp tags.

Nonetheless, my usual emotional side urged me to come and blog about this. There're many people I would love to thank personally but it might make me look weird so I'll secretly thank them here instead. ^^

2 most important people that I must not forget... Kiap and Babo!!! Kiap for bravely agreeing to my absurd request out of the blue to help even though he already has an insane schedule on his own. And Babo for staying up till 2plus to rush the writeups together with me even though he wasn't feeling well, and also so willingly keeping up with my progress over whatsapp. Thank God for whatsapp!

And then how can I forget people who've given so much concern and support? K, Son, Heyong, Amanda, Sha, YC... too many people. But Christina would just love to give a shoutout and a virtual hug to all these people! Thanks for cheering me on in your own ways!

I'm extremely humbled and thankful that I've been given this honour to take on this task. Many words cannot express how I truly feel. But now I just hope that it will be all okay on print.

And in the midst of a crazy weekend of meeting deadlines, we pounced a surprise early birthday celebration on Babo! What was supposed to be a "payback our debts" dinner... even though our initial plan was foiled by failed reservations and interrupted by a suspicious "guitar rapist" (whom Babo stepped in to save us though Sonia complained that he wasn't heroic enough)... we still had a great time chilling and talking. :-) Great day ended with me squeezing with my guitar in the front seat of his new (and even smaller) car, but at least this one is clean hahaha. Christina certifies that his car is now dust-free. For now.

Oh, and today's his birthday! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TERRENCE AHHH!!! This year we won't be trending #terrencetoh30, sadly.

Beyond blessed and fulfilled.

2011-11-19T11:55:00.002+08:00

The wheel of the world

turning around and around.

This week has by far been one of the most tumultuary weeks by far. A's are stepping all over on me fast and furious with half the H2 papers gone this week, and surprisingly but also disturbingly I feel numb. Furthermore Son is currently facing one of the most trying weeks of her life ever this year (when will it ever get better?) and all this sudden unpleasant surprises seem to be jolting me out of my comfort zone.

I cannot handle so many problems at one go. And I know that whatever Son is going through now eventually she has to make her own decision and what I can only do is to support her and hope for the best. Similarly I can also only hope for the best for my results. Within this week alone my faith in God has been questioned by myself. I wondered if God is the same God that is with me for every single paper, why doesn't it appear to be the case that He is also the same God that should have delivered Son from her trials? Somehow I can understand how she feels, and its inevitable that she will not want to rely on God anymore because of all this letdowns and setbacks she has been facing for the whole 2 years. But deep inside me, I really pray that this isn't the case and that eventually God will give her a better plan to follow through.

Yesterday I somehow got a glimpse of what has been going on in Babo's life recently too and I think I somehow can echo his feelings. Having a tough time, check. Feeling overworked, check. Feeling tired and can't wait for all this to be over, check. But then again he's always proven to be a much more resilient and stronger person than I am... I'm just oddly different. I don't know about him, but so many times this week I've silently broke down and lost grip of all momentum. On the outside I might appear that I'm doing fine but actually I'm falling apart on the inside. Desperately trying to salvage all situations at one go but eventually I might lose it all. Many times I complain about how my life sucks and I envy others. But then when I look around and at all these people who are dear to me I realise that I'm blessed beyond measure, and I try to give myself some drive and optimism.

JC has been a roller coaster ride on Earth through the depths of heaven and hell literally, and if I can quote Babo's words, I don't think I have done very badly either in this cruel reality chase for that highly coveted certificate-cum-entry proof for college.

Just, keep calm and carry on.

I think we'll all be fine in one way or another, because life is like a wheel that keeps on turning and in one point or another we'll face our own adversities.

THE ELEVEN

2011-11-11T10:40:00.001+08:00

I miss the past. The old choir, the old us before A's, the old us before programme booklet, the old us before we split lifegroups, the old us before evokx, the old us before year 2, the old us before we stepped into JC...

Some things happen for a reason and they're not entirely bad, but sometimes I love to revel in the times of the old.

Just me again.

2011-11-05T23:04:00.002+08:00

Binaries

Where am I now?

A's are coming in approximately 3 days.

And for the first time tonight I finally broke down. So overwhelmed, so stressed, so scared, so uncertain...all that has been pent up for so long has finally come crashing down.

I must be kidding when I told someone that I was strong and I was full of positive vibes.

Clearly I'm not, and I haven't been either.

Someone told me that I need to draw it out from myself, but the question now is, draw what out and where do I draw it out from?

Very lost, very confused. This must one of the times in my whole life that I feel scarily vulnerable.

2011-10-14T00:06:00.002+08:00

2 years,
and this is really the end.

Having a really nostalgic group chat with the usual bunch on whatsapp.

Tomorrow we're graduating.

And I thank God for placing these wonderful people in my life that has been so life-altering in such a good way.

Heyong is the first person I met in the entire school in June 2009. Us in our respective nerdy secondary school uniforms and sitting at the benches outside LT2 awkwardly. I thought she'd be a very cold and distant person, but she is just the complete opposite.

Kristine is the first friend I made in the entire school in November 2009. The very first moment I saw her I got an intuition that we would get along, and we did. And I was the one who introduced her to Facebook.

Sonia is one of the closest friends I have in class, and in the entire school. She still has another year to go, but that girl must be unaware that she has been my source of strength and energy for many of my down times.

Terrence is the first person I've known amongst the bunch of them I guess. Was it 2007 at the Siglap CC? I can't exactly remember. Still he's the first person who's ever had that much faith in me (and he reaffirms he still has ^^) and surprisingly we can htht together.

I would never have survived choir, not to say JC, without this bunch of superhumans. And I'm thankful that they've accommodated with my troublesome-ness, my roller coaster emotions, my unending rants, my problems, my lack of confidence...etc. I thank God for placing them in my life, and for helping us building a relationship so strong that I can never imagine.

So in a few hours' time, Heyong, Kristine and I will be leaving behind the other 2 in Nanyang JC (one has to study harder, one has to sustain the choir)... I won't miss them. Because we're still gonna hang out and do silly things together. Then 5 years later we'll look back again and laugh even harder like what we're doing now.

Truly blessed. :-)

2011-10-11T23:53:00.003+08:00

Disappointed.

Or try like, heart broken.

It's been almost 2 years since we parted, and prior to that we had a rather turbulent teacher-student relationship for another 1.5 years. I must admit that I wasn't exactly the easiest person to work with, not to even mention as the section leader, the student conductor, or for the rest of time shouldering most of the roles in the exco that the exco has failed to carry out. To put it in short, I was a bitch.

The immature me felt that I should be (more) appreciated and treated with (some) respect since I was the one handling all the behind-the-scenes nonsense that the choir tactfully hides from the conductor. I was insulted that instructions were not passed to me at all and I had no inkling of what was going to happen at every single practice. I was angry that I wasn't even given the slightest bit of respect to retain whatever that was left of my pride and dignity in the choir. Basically people said that I was the closet conductor, or the conductor who couldn't be seen in daylight. I always wondered why, why I had to endure all the treacherous parts of engaging the choir in choral singing and yet someone else gets to take over my job of conducting at our actual performances. Was I incompetent? Then why pick me as the student conductor? I never voiced it out, because I felt that I had no right to. Afterall, you all just made use of my commitment as much as you could wasn't it? But even until today when I think back, every single performance that you'd rather pick someone else to conduct and left me with no explanation, it still hurts me.

Obviously if he hadn't left in the first place things would've been different. I wouldn't know. But call me stupid, every now and then I'd have the urge to write you an honest letter, or a card, or an email. Just to let you know that I didn't dislike you like how you thought I did. Or how I wasn't rejecting you because I preferred singing under him more. Or how those choir politics weren't started by me and I was their target which you let them win. Or how every single time you walked out I wanted to give everything up because I felt like a failure who couldn't even lead the choir well. Or how when you surprised me with the boxes of herbal tea just because I damaged my throat after lashing out at the choir. Deep inside me I wanted to seek a reconciliation with to bury the bitterness of the past. I'm too naive.

Then again life doesn't happen the way you plan it to be does it?

I don't doubt that you could possibly have loved the choir once. But just maybe not everyone. Maybe just those who knew how to put on an act, and the enthusiastic PRCs. Am I wrong? Everyone loves PRCs, but they just don't know how hard it was to get them to come for sectionals and stay committed. I'm not even xenophobic. I swear I was all for a PRC succeeding my position (or whatever that has been left to that position). But to think that you compared the choir as broken entities within itself breaks our hearts. And those who knew how to act? One of them unfortunately still hangs around me nowadays and I can safely say he still knows how to act, perhaps even better.

Just tonight, let me spill out my deep dark feelings. Let my heart go out for those among the 57 of the year 2009 for this moment. I might not have become easier to work with, but I have come to learn how ugly the world actually is. 4 years is a long enough period of time.

That Gold to me and perhaps a few more others back then was not an insufficient, but a relief. That's why even until now I cringe when I hear people mention the highly coveted GWH. Even until now a Gold still equates to a huge sigh of relief to me. But I guess you misunderstood.

Sigh, sigh. Look at my lack of immaturity still. But I guess now I have the courage to speak my mind, perhaps a few years too late.

The fact is, I cherished you for having to go through all this with us. And does 'I love you' sound wrong?

2011-10-08T01:20:00.002+08:00

2 years,

since I left you.

Tonight's Twitter and Facebook feeds were flooded with Chung Cheng juniors' declarations of nostalgic melancholy as they closed up their 4-year stay at the school. Which means that I've graduated from Chung Cheng for 2 years already...man, how fast time flies without you really noticing.

I miss our exclusive cheeky Chinese and pseudo-Communist culture that no outsiders can understand or appreciate. And yes I'm proud being a Chinese school kid. Even when the whole world accuses us of being Communists (who are they, anyway, actually?) and turning out as either rebels like Mr Low Thia Khiang (how is he even a rebel when he has a seat in the Parliament?!) or your day-to-day uncles/aunties on the streets.

Interestingly, the most typical conversation a stranger would strike up with a Chung Cheng student would usually be something like this:

(On a cab)

Student: Uncle, Chung Cheng High Main.

Taxi driver: Goodman Road Chung Cheng ah? I last time also from there one!

(On a bus)

Elderly sitting beside you will keep staring at you from head to toe first. Then...

Stranger: Ah girl ah (or Ah boy), you from which Chung Cheng ah?

Student: ...Chung Cheng Main.

Stranger: Oh I last time from there also!

Which obviously ignites fear and concern within current Chung Cheng students if we will just end up like that, on taxis and on buses, say 40 years down the road. But I'll have to make a disclaimer that Chung Cheng has brought us up well in our juvenile years with our impressionable school values - 好学力行，知耻自强 (I have no idea what Nanyang's is even) and our coolest school song ever. I mean, which school song other than ours is filled with Chinese idioms? Only us.

I'm forever proud to say that I belong to this school. That will not change.

4 years is a very long period of time in my youth that has created so much life-changing memories.

2011-08-16T23:49:00.002+08:00

It's been a long time,

and now I'm 18.

And life's still about the same.

Perhaps busier, scarier, faster... I found no air to breathe between my 17 and 18.

Reality's been biting hard of late, and many at times I'm on the verge of breaking down. People always tell me things like "trust in God's plans for you", or "know that you are strong because you can be strong"... I appreciate them alot. But I guess sometimes I have to face the truth that the world doesn't revolve around my mindset or beliefs.

I want my Political Science degree so much I can die.

Then again Arts Design Media is another temptation.

And reality bites me again that I should just go to bed and study my brains off tomorrow. And the days to come.

2011-07-13T22:02:00.002+08:00

My world is

caving in.

I have nothing to say. I'm just thoroughly disappointed in myself.

I've never studied so much yet fail so badly altogether.

In the past it was just not studying, and doing alright.

Now... I really don't know. What does this say about all my efforts? Futile? Useless?

To me the future looks very bleak right now. Very dark. Very cold. Very scary.

There's no one else but myself to pick myself up.

Till then.

2011-07-11T20:53:00.001+08:00

What about...me?
Bloody shit.

I’m tired.

Really tired of being so consumed by complying with what everyone else wants of me, and compromising with myself. All the time. Every single bloody time.

What about me?

I seem to know so much about every single other person around me, yet I don’t ever seem to know myself as well.

You want me to be like this, fine. You want me to think like this, fine. You want me to do this, fine. You want me to listen to you, fine. You want me to trust you, fine. You want me to follow you, fine.

Wait. What about me? Give me a bloody break.

2011-06-27T20:50:00.002+08:00

Because I need a break...

92 truths.

NAME: Christina W
AGE: 17
BIRTHDATE: 5 August 1993

WHAT WAS YOUR:
1. Last beverage = Berry smoothie
2. Last phone call = Mummy
3. Last text message = Sonia
4. Last song you listened to = Sing Sing Sing - Chris Tomlin
5.Last time you cried = Heart to heart talk with Toh

HAVE YOU EVER:
6. Dated someone twice = Nope
7. Been cheated on = Yeah I guess
8. Kissed someone & regretted it = Nope
9. Lost someone special = Yes.
10. Been depressed = Yes.
11. Been drunk and threw up = Been drunk and laughed forever (ask Caleb, Stella, Ngai, Chunks, Kelvin or Brian)

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:
12. TURQUOISE
13. TEAL
14. MINT

LAST YEAR (2010), HAVE YOU:
15. Made a new friend = YEZZZ
16. Fallen out of love = Not really.
17. Laughed until you cried = Maybe?
18. Met someone who changed you = Yes.
19. Found out who your true friends were = Duhhhhhhhh (imitates Toh's tone).
20. Found out someone was talking about you = HAH OBVIOUSLY.
21. Kissed anyone on your FB friend's list = No.

GENERAL:
22. How many people on your FB friends list do you know in real life = Maybe 80% Idk.
24. Do you have any pets = No.
25. Do you want to change your name = No.
26. What did you do for your last birthday = Epic surprise from the class and shepherding.
27. What time did you wake up today = 9.
28. What were you doing at midnight last night = Reading
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for= DESERT EXPEDITION WITH THE GANG AND TOH.
30. Last time you saw your mother = Now.
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life = Stronger.
32. What are you listening to right now = You Are Good? iTunes radio allworship.com
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom? = No.
34. What's getting on your nerves right now = Exams tomorrow.
35. Most visited webpage = Facebook.
37. Nickname = Nana, chrissy, chris, yoomoon, xtina
38. Relationship Status = Single
39. Zodiac sign = Leo
40. He or She = She
41. Elementary = Gongshang Primary School
42. High School = CHUNG CHENG HIGH MAIN aka school with the bigass pond
43. College = NYJC
44. Hair color = Blackbrown
45. Long or short = Short, middle, what
46. Height = 1.70
47. Do you have a crush on someone? = Well.
49. Piercings = No
50. Tattoos = No
51. Righty or lefty = Righty.

FIRSTS :
52. First surgery = Extracting two molars counted?
53. First piercing = NO I SAID NO ALREADY
54. First best friend = KRISTAL YANG ZHENTING since 1998 how long is that
55. First sport you joined = NONE.
56. First vacation = ah ma's house in pekanbaru I think.
58. First pair of trainers = adidas.

RIGHT NOW:
59. Eating = My saliva.
60. Drinking = My saliva.
61. I'm about to = finish this thing then go back to my books
62. Listening to = some Hallelujah song, iTunes radio still!
63. Waiting for = this to be done.

YOUR FUTURE :
64. Want kids? = Okay can
65. Get Married? = If anyone wants me.
66. Career? = Politician? Graphic designer? Tai tai?

WHICH IS BETTER :
67. Lips or eyes = Eyes.
68. Hugs or kisses = Hugs.
69. Shorter or taller = Taller.
70. Older or Younger = Same age or older.
71. Romantic or Spontaneous = Both
72. Nice stomach or nice arms = No beer belly can already
73. Sensitive or loud = Not oversensitive not too loud
74. Hook-up or relationship = Relationship
75. Trouble maker or hesitant = Uh, none.

HAVE YOU EVER :
76. Kissed a stranger = No.
77. Drank hard liquor = No.
78. Lost glasses/contacts = No!
79. Sex on first date = NO
80. Broke someone's heart = No? My mom's maybe
81. Had your own heart broken = Yes.
82. Been arrested = No
83. Turned someone down = No.
84. Cried when someone died = Yeah.
85. Fallen for a friend = Yes.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
86. Yourself = Sometimes
87. Miracles = Sometimes
88. Love at first sight = Yes
89. Heaven = Yes
90. Santa Claus = No.
91. Kiss on the first date = No.
92. Angels = Yes? Those in the Bible I mean.

2011-06-04T20:15:00.001+08:00

Just wanna have a good break.

This is brought to you by #whinyjcnolifer

I think a night’s worth of good rest (meaning no animated dreams that disturb me till the next day) and some assurance from God would do me good now.

I’ve been feeling so tired and restless like a pregnant woman or a sick person or an old grandmother recently. Even though I thought I would finally get a well-deserved break when the holidays came, but the holidays are here and yet I still feel worn out.

Take today for example. We had Evokx practice in the afternoon so Sonia and I went according to our usual Plan 0 which meant studying in the morning, cabbing down to AHS then dinner after Evokx and studying somemore into the night. But our trusty Plan 0 failed today totally. Maybe it was because Heyong wasn’t here. But still, it rained elephants in the morning so we wasted time wading over the puddles everywhere. Then there was a long queue at the taxi stands at all the malls, and when we finally got a cab we were already late. To top it all off, the cab driver was clueless about our destinations and even asked us for directions (I swore it would have been better if we took the wheel instead). To our horror, he was playing Texas HoldEm Poker on his iPhone simultaneously and nearly knocked pedestrians down at a zebra crossing. Ain’t that brilliant. I promise the ride took away half of whatever life I had left. And after Evokx (which kind of killed or froze my throat and nose and brain) we went to our usual place to study, only to have the manager chase us out cos they suddenly decided to implement a “no studying on weekends” rule! Great. A whole day’s worth of plans foiled.

But basically what am I doing? I’m just so tired that I’m blaming everything to everyone else but myself. Excuses, and excuses again. God will You please remind me what are all this for and take over everything from me please. Here I want to surrender everything and let go, just take it all and I’ll commit all things into Your hands.

Enough complaining, I need to start doing.

2011-05-18T22:21:00.002+08:00

This is the NY thang;

and it lives on.

Our principal is an awesome man. He catered buffet for the aesthetic groups today to appreciate us for our SYF efforts, and he practically camouflaged perfectly as one of the caterers. Because he was as busy as, or even busier than the caterers, running all over the hall to make sure everyone has cutlery and food to eat. I give him double like than LCH. While in Chung Cheng I've never really had a good impression of him, and sorry but he only appears in mornings of SYF to give a prep talk and that's it. Never really supportive of aesthetic groups either because if he did he'd probably not absent himself from our concerts. Thrice. Oh whatever, I'm just saying Mr Kwek is an admirable principal. :)

Anyway now that SYF has settled into dust, don't you feel this sense of lingering emptiness? No more frantically mass-texting the section, no more being paranoid of whether you'll lose your voice tomorrow, no more wandering around in the spare hours before choir, no more going home in the darkness... no more singing. This habit just suddenly gets aborted, and you don't see the faces you've been seeing for nearly 10 hours a week for the past 6 months at least. Honestly I feel lost.

The Nanyang Choir has taught me many life lessons in my 19-month-long journey with them. I learnt how to trust the correct people, I learnt about the hypocritical human nature, I learnt about the cruelty of social status inequality, I learnt that not everyone are your friends, I learnt that quality outshines quantity, I learnt that we sing to make music not for recognition... I got a glimpse of the real world outside.

It wasn't an entirely joyful journey I must admit. At times I really wanted to give up and leave, because I felt that I was being pushed against my limits. I was scared. My fear nearly took over me. But it's thanks to some valuable friends that I'm here at where I am today. Heyong (the first person I saw during auditions), Kristine (the first person I hung out with at our first practice), Sonia, Alfie, May and Mr Toh. They've taught me the gift of gratitude.

And I've still got a long way to go from here.

It's not the end yet.

2011-05-18T00:05:00.002+08:00

I don't like this

but I can't help it.

I chanced upon someone's testimony on losing a grandmother, and I thought of 嬷嬷 instantly.

Me and my grandma were never really close. I don't know if it's one of the regrets in my life.

First we couldn't communicate. She spoke in Cantonese while I, though a Cantonese, never learnt my own dialect but learnt my maternal dialect instead while growing up with my maternal grandparents. So I talk to her either in Chinese or sometimes I'll subconsciously speak in Hokkien (perhaps I thought dialects were all the same). And because of this, she didn't know my name. I'm guessing she doesn't know my name still, wherever she is now. All 18 years she's just called me Ah Girl, which I've long been accustomed to. And though she obviously doted on my other Cantonese-speaking cousins more, I never minded. Or cared.

Now the family's still in the mourning period. I don't know what will happen when all the fortnightly practices of burning incense papers together at the void deck of my grandparents' house ends. Will we still go back to 嬷嬷家 on random Sundays as a family together? Or does this mean that my family being my dad, my mom and I will never need to hang out together forcefully anymore?

Life is so unpredictable. At first she was lying on the couch watching TV with us, then she was in the hospital bed, then she had to have her legs amputated, then for the first time she spent Chinese New Year in bed, and then... she was gone.

And me, the eldest grandchild in the family line, didn't even see her one last time. Why? For thinking that block tests are more important. "Oh if I fail block tests I'll be dead, next time then go and visit 嬷嬷 since she'll be out in no time..." How right I was. She was out, and gone. Forever.

This, is the regret of my life.

And I hate myself for not doing anything about it even when TT pre-empted this for me just days before she left us.

2011-05-15T21:54:00.000+08:00

It has never

occurred to me.

Until just.

What on earth held me back from joining evokx?

Now what.

2011-05-06T19:45:00.001+08:00

It stops at Gold.

My gold-haul has come to a complete end.

2011, a golden ending.

2011-04-26T22:18:00.000+08:00

The wall

in my heart.

I need to smash it, before SYF.

2011-04-14T18:44:00.001+08:00

GOLD

NUMBER 5

FOR THE

CHUNG CHENG

HIGH MAIN

CHOIR!!!!!

We did it again, with Mr Low!

One choir, one dream.

WE SING TOGETHER.

2011-04-13T20:38:00.004+08:00

Be strong now,

because things will get better. It might be stormy now, but it can't rain forever.

To whoever this applies to.

Be it you or me. Or you and me.

Meanwhile,

it's the 14th of April tomorrow.

The previous time we were with Mr Low, this time we are also with Mr Low. The previous time we were blessed with a miracle, this time...? God I pray You'll be with them and give them a big big big miracle tomorrow too.

Dearest CCHMS Choir, I give you all my power for tomorrow may you all have such victorious faces/grins/smiles/shouts/tears tomorrow evening! (Excited until all the photos blur one)

WE SING TOGETHER.

Cliche line but many of us never forget.

2011-04-09T20:30:00.002+08:00

Goodbye,
嫲嫲.

You will live forever in us.

I know my staying at your wake everyday wouldn't amend the mistakes I committed,

neither does the number of joss sticks and incense papers I have prepared for you count,

nor the amount of tears I shed for you change anything.

But I know this is less painful for you.

I know you'll be watching over us.

Thank you grandma, for being in my life.

Rest in peace.

The Family of the Late

Ng Kim Moi (1937 - 4 April 2011)

2011-04-01T23:05:00.002+08:00

If today was a joke...
April 2011. Hello.

I am naturally a weak person. Weak in the body, weak in the mind. I am a so-called loser because I give in easily and I don’t have guts to act like a bitch. I can’t afford to be heartless because I’m too soft-hearted. So everytime I am stuck in a bad situation I cry. I hate myself for this.

4 years ago I cried because I was scared. 2 years ago I cried because I was scared. Today I cried because I am scared. This is so tricky. He says he chose me because he knows I can do it. I can save them. I want to, but I’m scared. That I am actually not as capable as he thinks I am, that I can’t help them as much as I’m supposed to or that I’ll just sink the whole boat.

Heck it. I’m gonna use all means and give all my time for my group now. As much as how others say that my group is a capsizing ship and I should just throw a handful overboard, I want to try daringly. This time is gonna be different. I don’t want to regret about not having given my best to them. I will sail with them.

Yingwei, Kangjie, Ryofred, Wip, Mel, Shanice, Yuzi, Son, Yuansze and Bixuan - we are on this ship sailing on this rough sea. But haven’t you heard, they say “a smooth sea never makes skillful sailors”.

Kristine, May, Son, Heyong, Alfie - I am eternally grateful.

The end of my sob story.

2011-03-27T22:41:00.002+08:00

I'm not
lacking.

Start of a new week after a surreal block test period.

Of my whole list of ambitious things I’ve planned to achieve by the end of March, at least I attained one thing. I finished reading the book of Romans.

And now, I want to start the new quarter right with God. Realign my perspectives, reset my priorities.

I want to be joyful in whatever I do, I want to do things for the glory of God and His Kingdom, I want to be thankful for what I’m blessed with, I want to serve with all my heart. Be it for shepherding, lifegroup, core team, creatives, studies, choir, anything.

SYF in approximately 4 weeks. Once again it's this cruel 10 minutes or so on stage that negates everything that has been happening in the past 6 months. But surprisingly this time round I feel more joy in singing even if we sound real bad at times. Maybe the times in Chung Cheng I was filled with more angst and impatience to get things right. Trying to make them sing in a seductive tone for Cui Dong Cui and trying very hard to get them follow my conducting for Kasar were my daily routines. Maybe it's more slack now since I don't have that much roles on my hands, I don't know. It's a strange strange thing but I guess different is just different. Just hoping for things to click in place securely real soon, am praying for more intellect as I attempt to get things through to the section. Oh yes maybe that's what different, because in Chung Cheng majority of them were juniors so they listened better and now everyone's just almost the same age so it's kind of harder I guess. Oh but I'll get by, I hope. We can do it.

God let’s do this together!

2011-03-20T22:39:00.001+08:00

THE PURSUIT

of...

Sometimes I chide myself for being such a coward. What’s so hard about going up to someone and giving them encouragement and strength when they need it? Because I’m fearful that the wrong words will tumble out of my mouth like in the past.

But in my heart what I really wanted to say was:

Didn’t you tell me once that what truly kept you going amidst everything was your belief? Not passion, not love, not money, not reputation, not anything else, but belief. The belief for every single student that came under your care. This was what set you apart from many others. And now even as you are put to the test of many unwanted challenges and setbacks, I pray that you won’t lose the fire ignited within you that gives birth to your firm belief in every single student. As your section leader I promise I’ll put in my best in committing to your cause, as your student I promise I’ll sing with my all in every practice, but as your friend I want to pray for you. Because I think what you need now is a little more strength.

Hang in there, TT.

I don’t have the courage to tell you all this now, but by God’s grace you will be strengthened still.

Finally let everything out. Don't judge me, seriously.

But if anyone ever needs a prayer, you know where to look.

2011-03-17T22:51:00.001+08:00

STOP

LYING.

It really hurts.

Really.

Especially when you conceal them so well.

Perhaps it was me that was too stupid to believe you.

But maybe it's too late.

Because I have my limits too, and you're pushing them.

And you make me feel filthy.

God are you even watching?

2011-03-05T00:00:00.001+08:00

Today I was reminded,

of how...

God provides.

But will He provide for me yet again when my time comes?

2011-02-15T22:31:00.002+08:00

Picture-Perfect
Memories.

If I could turn back time I would have made sure I didn't contract gastric flu during new year and spent half of my time at Universal Studios excreting my insides out in liquid form. And no more roller coaster rides for me, at least in the next 5 years or 10 year or forever. I knew my soul was leaving me the moment we took the Shrek Enchanted Airways ride. Don't even talk about the Revenge of the Mummy ride. Thank God I'm still alive and intact. But still, it felt good relieving all the pent-up stress with the family. And we watched Voyage de la Vie which was a bonus because I got to see Jon Leong sing up-close woohoo.

And anyway, if you hadn't realised, the NYAJ lifegroup is officially 22-member strong! (We've still yet to have a complete photo because Brian's currently serving the nation hard and while he books out on Saturday, it'll be Yibin's turn to serve the nation... so, till they're both out together!)

And I guess I can never thank James enough for all the motivation and encouragement he has given me so generously this past few months. I think what I want to say to him has mostly been said and written, but still, xie xie ni alot cadadblog! Take care for next on-and-off 5 years in Aussie! If I really get gastric flu again 5 years later I'll really come and look for you okay Dr Kang! :) Meanwhile I will practice guitar hard in case he uses his HD webcam to spy on me.

-COUGHS.

Check out the amount of phlegm.

2011-01-30T21:16:00.002+08:00

You always leave me

SPEECH-LESS.

You just keep me hanging on.

2011-01-23T17:17:00.002+08:00

Follow you

into the dark.

Ice Talk Whine Complain Shop Money Laugh Tickled Cut Burnt Waste Lies Time Out Missed Hate Love Thankful Disappointed Broken Deceived Work Tuckered Rewind Rush Chase Tears Sad Yongseo Adam Kuntoria Athena Sufern Regina Alfie Theresa Vivien Stella Kristine May Privacy Watched Scrutinised Eat Let Throw Bugged Frustrated Lost Whatever Restart Again

- My week.

2011-01-19T21:48:00.002+08:00

GET

OUT

OF MY

LIFE.

Seriously. This kind of drama just has to happen every year doesn't it.
I'm just so sick of it; all the lying, hypocrisy, acting.
You claim to be our friend? Stop lying.
Can't believe you actually told me to "trust in God, fear only God" etc when things weren't going well. Thinking back I just feel disgusted by you.

It's this kind of Christians that make me question God's worth in them. I feel so cheated that I want scrub my memory clean of you. You utterly disgust me. And I can't believe we actually trusted in you so much to have open ourselves up so vulnerably. Who knows what else you have done and said.

You suck. And that's only an understatement.

Because you're not worth it.

I can't wait till when I officially not see you forever.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO bursting with so much love,

Your ex-friend.

But at least I thank God to count my little blessings amidst everything.

You guys.

Exhausted but the race still continues.

2011-01-09T17:56:00.003+08:00

Tear down the walls;
see the world.

Thank you Teh and Jasmine for an awesome Friday night just laughing our heads off over almost everything. And especially Teh who just spent time sitting there listening to me babble my heart out. Had a very emotionally-struggling yet inspiring and challenging time sharing deeply with each other. Maybe the bunch of girls sitting at the steps below us thought I got dumped and confiding in Teh. Hah. But still, really thank God for these grads in my life. Even though it's going to be a year soon that we've dispersed into our various new lifegroups, everyday we're still learning from each other so much!

And I'm so thankful for my best bunch of classmates - Son, Twin, Fern, Reg and Alfie (not shown here)! So thankful that even in the midst of projects and homework that we don't really want to do, we're still here for each other to make each other laugh. Really am going to miss Sonia and Yanlin terribly this new year. Heard that there's gonna be a new girl joining our class next year. So many adjustments to make, I hope we'll hang in there together!

Learnt quite a fair bit while doing follow-up for Joyce and Carmel yesterday. Everytime I'm really amazed by how God has promised to bless the group with new blood!

LOOK HOW MUCH WE'VE GROWN (!!!)

So much more to come for all of us! And Raphael, have a safe and fulfilling trip in the States till June!

Going back to Chung Cheng tomorrow to promote NY's open house.

Excited for new people in choir, new transfers in the lifegroup.

But I hope even if I meet a particular someone tomorrow my heart won't fall. Because what we had was way long ago yet I guess until now I'm still somehow vulnerable to it. Saw this person at Tampines that day and yet all I did was run away. Long and complicated story that probably isn't worth digging up.

2011-01-05T18:17:00.004+08:00

BLESSED.

Right now.

I have a new system of doing my QT this year. And I'm loving it.

Loving how God never fails to speak to me gently though impact-fully.

Can really sense the potential to grow so much more this year! And perhaps by the grace of God I can accomplish one of my daring resolutions for this year. Shan't say anything until God really allows it to happen!

Pretty pretty pretty purse for Christmas from Kristine who just came back from the States not too long ago! And to add on top of that I really love how this picture came out! *eye flutters*

So many ups and downs in the first week of the new year. Felt frustrated by some people, felt blessed by some others, felt like showing more concern and love to others. But I'm not hating on the 11, because it's my favourite number! (biased)

And I'm not being biased about gifts though. Thanks to Teh, I use this obediently everyday and it really works (I think you should go get this for yourself too). I still think my present for her was quite pathetic as compared to this. This small bottle, in my cheapskate small humble world, is probably equivalent to the SKII 神奇水 they always mention on the TV! Hah I think I'm easily satisfied. But its not everyday I receive a present, and now I think Christmas is better than my birthday. Hahaha biased. Oh but by the way, Christmas Eve's my birthday, so not much difference.

Christmas Eve was probably one of the days I felt as though I was schizophrenic. One moment I felt really joyful, the next I just didn't feel myself. Maybe I was overly disappointed by how I got set up by all the friends I invited... No matter how many "Sorry babe" or "Sorry darling" Yanlin or TT sent me couldn't lift my mood up anyhow. (Though I was a bit stumbled by the latter's sms but nevermind) Maybe I'd expected too much. Maybe I was too concerned. To be honest half my mind was filled up with "Why"s throughout the day. And by night I was beyond frustrated already. Not to mention being stuck in a massive traffic jam on the bus in the city area while finding my way home from Brian's house. Was frustrated why I was night-vision-impaired and alone and on the bus and lost on a Christmas Eve night. I couldn't see anything from the bus than the more than usual amount of flashing lights in my face, I couldn't see where I was so I just alighted at any random stop to try my luck. Ended up walking for 30 minutes to City Hall growing blisters. Got home past midnight and my mom got upset because she had no one at home to countdown to Christmas with. I felt beyond bad. That night I asked God why I existed. Because throughout the whole day I was thinking so much, reflecting back on my past year with Him. I received cards that kept saying I put in efforts in outreaching but bore no fruits. I asked God whether it was my fault that these people didn't come to receive Him, that's why these people were pointing out my lack of fruition in outreaching. God probably gave me an answer, that's why I'm still here today. And not to mention Teh's essay-long card, which somehow became another comfort. And made me cry more.

It's been a year and a week in this race now! I'm still awed. Even though at times I really question my point in going through all this.

Thank you Teh for remembering and having that humble little celebration (?) with kaya toast and soft boiled eggs that morning. My first taste of soft boiled eggs on my first birthday. HAH. Don't laugh at me because I'll laugh at myself first.

Year-end family dinner was a disaster. I probably wasn't thinking well and I sent wrong messages to wrong people. The family dispersed in anger, frustration and tears. So much for a once in a blue moon family gathering. Missed the countdown because my mom was too angry and upset after the dinner so we ended up quarreling at home until past midnight. The most interesting way to bring in the new year. But thanks to Brian for praying for me (I think he did, or else he wouldn't have smsed me stuff, or whatever). The verse he gave me has officially become my verse of the year. :)

Holidays are ending soon, or maybe they've already ended.

And out of the whole nearly 2 months, guess when we planned our XLB dinner? NEXT NEXT WEEK. Hahaha I think we're really a joke. Choir is good. The strange cozy and warm feeling that never fails to be present every practice. Even though we're full of nonsense at times, even though we can get really serious and uptight at times. Chalet tomorrow! (Evil laughs... all the games)

I miss alot of people at the moment. Nostalgia.

I miss Teh even though we're basically in touch all the time everywhere, I miss Stella because I have one less person to babble with (wait till she sees the new Yongseo photo!), I miss Yanlin because she's always beside me in school, I miss Regina/ Fern/ Alfie/ Theresa/ Viv/ Yanlin gang because with them joy is always in the air, I miss Jeremiah because I have a feeling we have so much to regurgitate to each other, I miss Peiru because this year I had no time to celebrate her birthday with the rest of AFF, I miss my Chung Cheng life... the temple-like buildings, the disgusting lake, the dirty but huge choir room, everything and everyone.

Life has to go on, though.

Let's have a good year ahead!

2011-01-02T21:13:00.001+08:00

2010-12-31T10:17:00.001+08:00

This is one year.

2010-12-23T00:07:00.003+08:00

Waste

Time.

Thank you Teh for today. :)

We should just lie there forever and talk forever.

I want to just lie there and fall asleep one day with you.

Without fire alarms on loop.

But the f-rass is a little painful though.

Nevermind.

2010-12-22T00:07:00.003+08:00

2010

is ending.

And if you think I'm gonna be thankful for stuff like Adam couple's 1-year anniversary, or Goguma couple holding hands, or Super Junior's album... YOU ARE WRONG.

(Not that I'm not thankful for them because they are my main source of entertainment on weekend nights.)

2010 has inevitably been the most different year for me in my entire life I guess.

First reason being this is the first time I'm starting the year with the very special God and ending the year with Him too.

ONE WHOLE YEAR OF WALKING WITH GOD, can you believe it?

I can't. When I first received Christ I thought maybe I wasn't built to last. Because church, as loving and interesting as it may be, was pretty intimidating to me at times.

The people there were different. They don't hold back in correcting you. The first time I got corrected straight in my face by someone who shall not be named, I went home to cry my eyeballs out and I wanted to just dig a hole to hide inside forever.

The amount of time I spent on church "stuff" scared me too. One day for lifegroup, one day for service, sometimes things just pop out and I have to take time off also. Then my mom started complaining, my aunt started complaining, my grandma started complaining, and I really wondered what's the point of me putting so much time in church when my family needs me more? And while I was scrolling through my contacts I realised besides church people, the other names I have are only a few random classmates, a few random choir people, a few random ex-classmates, a few random ex-choir juniors, a few teachers... and no one else.

The number of times I struggled with myself nearly killed me. Should I go for choir or lifegroup? Should I go for project work or service? Should I go for choir or service? Should I go home right after service to spend time with my family? Should I stay behind after lifegroup to fellowship? Should I this should I that. And at the end of the day I don't want anyone to answer all this for me. I want myself to answer them with God's guidance. Because I only want to live my life for God and nobody else. NOBODY BUT YOU.

And... obviously cliche things must be done. And cliche meaning wordy and long-winded.

But still...! If your name is here, please feel honoured and give yourself a hug.

1) FIONA ELYSSA YODA TEH PENG YONGWEI JAMAL

Seriously, I don't know why is your name so long. But amidst your incredulously long name, thank you for being the matchmaker between me and God hahahahahahahabwahahahahehehahahaha okay isn't this supposed to only appear in the Christmas card? If you haven't asked me out on this day 1 year ago, all the above would not have happened, and I probably would still be hating Christmas this year and maybe sulking in some corner of my room watching even more junk shows and not have another 26-ish cards more to write. Thank you for always being here for me like 7-11 (always open~), I think you're even more convenient than 7-11 because I don't even frequent 7-11 that much. Thank you for still being able to give wise advice despite being lame and idiotic the rest of the time. Thank you for caring for me all the time even when circumstances don't allow us to catch up on each other but nevermind Twitter is like our paradise now. Thank you for sticking it through with me as classmates for the past 2 years even though I know times had been really like a roller coaster ride. So many things I'm thankful for... you shall find out in your 11-foot long Christmas card. THANK YOU FOR LIVING 2010 WITH ME. And who can miss out on our class' trademark twit: LURBZ EUU SHO MUCH AND MANY MANY MANY.

2) YANLINSIMS THE TWIN

I don't think you'll even know this exists! But thank you for being my awesome buddy and twin and sister and friend and buddy (oh am I repeating?) in our not-very-awesome year 1 in JC! Thank you for always sticking with me like super glue uhu glue elephant glue adhesive glue... through the good and bad days! WILL NEVER FORGET OUR PW DAYS. Your presence means so much to me and I will never forget how scared yet excited I was when I went to buy the bible for your birthday! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH and I just can't wait to us spending our days together in church one day hopefully! Really want to share God's overwhelming love with you... And we'll celebrate all our birthdays together right?

3) STELLALALALA CRAZY WOMAN TAN

HELLO. Very simple. Thank you for being my one best support and companion and buddy and sister in the unit. Even though sometimes the things we say or think are quite... (censored), but I'm so glad we both stuck it through and are still alive and here today, FIREPROOF-ED. Yay so proud of you! Thank you for always being so up for crazy ideas like stocking up food for camp (even though you rejected my rocket lollies), for having cup noodle party in the middle of the night, for washing my feet, for being the one and only other member in our Anti-Cards Association, for... being in my life! Wah I think God made the best move of piecing me and you together in this unit hahahaha. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH and I have so many things to say to you! Watch out for your Christmas card lah!

And because it's running late and I need to sleep,

thank you to also Regina, Sufern, Sonia, Alfie, Theresa, Vivien, Kally, Shermaine, Cheryl, Chrystal, Caleb, Bryan, Peiru.

If your name is missing and you feel that it should've been there, please pretend it is because my mind is really... not coordinated now.

I NEED TO SLEEP.

AFTER I SETTLE FIONA ELYSSA YODA TEH PENG YONGWEI JAMAL.

2010-12-16T23:34:00.002+08:00

I never start posts without a title.

But I guess I'll dedicate this space to my uncle today.

He passed away from a battle with cancer on Monday while I was at camp.

Leaves behind a daughter, two sons and his wife.

And all of us.

I've never seen him much in my entire life, probably sometimes during new years.

But that's it. Didn't remember how he looked like until I saw the photo in the obituary.

I was grumpy to cancel my week's schedule just for the funeral.

Missed out on the first ever lifegroup gathering ever since restructuring.

Missing out on the one and only ushers retreat.

Cancelled on people whom I promised to meet.

Yet sitting through the hours of Buddhist rituals which I didn't understand a single thing about made me realise how selfish I'd been.

My heart kept racing when they handed me the incense sticks and told me to sit on the mat and pray with the monks' chanting.

I didn't know what I was doing. Was it even appropriate for me to even hold the incense in the first place?

I felt so lost and empty. The feeling of nothingness within yet only shield by a shell.

I think I totally lost it when I was faced to do all sorts of rituals. Chanting, praying, marching, circling the coffin, burning this mass of... I don't know what they are.

When I heard my aunt crying that she'll never see him again I broke down.

What if this happened to myself today?

I cannot stop asking myself this question.

I'm just very lost and very confused at the moment that I cannot think properly.

But I'm very very very touched by the fact that Bryan called to check on me and pray for me. Wanted to cry over the phone but I made myself hold it in.

And Matthew and Ngais and Yingjie... thank you all for dropping your concern.

By tomorrow I will be strong again.

2010-12-14T18:00:00.005+08:00

DEFIANCE

FOR GOD.

Okay finally my brain is more functional after 13 hours of log-sleeping. But I've woke up with a fever and a sore throat but that's probably because of the tons of junk food (a million scoops of ice cream, one tub of popcorn, apple chips, choco pies, instant noodles, Taiwan delicacies, custard creams, fried food etc etc etc) during camp.

That aside, I think I've tidied up my reflections from camp since now I'm more awake and functional after 13 hours of sleep (or did I mention that already).

So what I want to apply in my daily life is to:

1) STICK IT THROUGH WITH GOD

2) SEEK TO ENCOUNTER GOD DAILY

3) APPLY GOD'S WORD INTO MY DAILY LIFE

4) FOCUS ON GOD

5) BE DEFIANT FOR GOD

Thank God for really speaking powerfully through Leon and Brian especially.

These two are the rare few (besides Fiona during Christmas and Grace during conference) that really prophesied for me and struck my heart with conviction so deeply.

I'm sick of just doing the talking and not acting the words out.

Talk is cheap. Downright cheap. Time to turn the talk into action. The time is right now.

WE ARE THE HOPE.

And to everyone of those whom we washed each others' feet at district challenge - Ngai, Stella, Grace, Caleb, Kelvin, Cheekong, Chunkiat, Yuanjun, Shermaine, Raphael, Brian, Chrystal. Thank God for everyone of you in my life and I really want to see all of us together serving our all for this kingdom.

To those who spent time talking with me on the third night into very very very late hours of 6am - Yibin, Ngai, Caleb, Stella, Yeehua, Lixin, Grace. I'm very grateful that we're sincerely correcting and guiding each other along. Very glad to get to know Yibin and Lixin so much better, my new awesome lifegroup members!

Thanks to James - another one who's probably going through the same lack of sleep and excess glaring at the computer screen with editing photos and uploading them! Thanks for your encouragement so as an act of return I will listen to your request and edit away your pimples.

Stella - you probably don't know how overjoyed I am to see you at camp and spending time with you. Thank God for you, for crazily buying all those junk food, for having late night cup noodles party with Ngai and Lydia, for talking about anything and everything... LOVE YOU VERY MUCH! I know God has the most awesome plans for you in store so hang in there and don't give up cos He'll always be there for you [Joshua 1:9]!

But you very thickskin on Twitter.

Just that... I wished Fiona was there.

Seeing how everyone had their own ex-shepherds and best spiritual buddies to spend time with at night made me a little... emotional.

God is challenging me right after I'm home from camp.

My uncle passed away and my grandma had another amputation while I was away at camp.

Don't know how to react about this but I know God is with me.

2010-12-13T18:27:00.002+08:00

FIRE

PROOF.

All that I have, I surrender to You.

Camp. Was. Beyond. Powerful.

And I don't want God to stop speaking to me strongly just because camp is over, but I'm deeply convicted for everyday to be like we're at camp. I want to expect an encounter from God every single day.

But sadly I'm not very coordinative now because we only slept for 2 hours last night and 5 hours the previous and the first night. So I shall just... go to sleep.

And...

May uncle rest in peace.

I'm telling myself not to feel desolated or depressed because God is bigger than any of the valleys in our lives.

2010-12-08T23:06:00.002+08:00

GO.

Busy busy busy busy busy week before I pack and leave for camp.

Lays, Thalia and I are still sitting on the edge of our chairs thanks to the many many many camp slides we have yet to settle, but I promise they're gonna be awesome so do keep a lookout for slides during camp. Thank you so much.

(And keep a lookout for the camp shirt, camp booklet, ... everything!)

Zipping down to SSS tomorrow to do up the decor and admin stuff... I don't even know what I'm gonna pack for camp!

Polaroid? Camera? Choir tee? Class tee? Lifegroup tee? Tights? Leggings? Hairband? Cap? Fleece?

I'm extremely lost. I don't even know what time to report.

On the other hand, I finally collected my design premium suite today! Though the journey was quite insane because I spent half an hour trying to locate the bus stop at Lavender MRT, then took another hour to find the place (which turned out to be a SHOPHOUSE).

Red arrows indicate my route. Blue arrow indicates the correct route.

This just shows how stupid I was.

And the bad luck doesn't just stop here. I finally couldn't stand it and went to the LG service centre to check about my phone and all the gangster-looking receptionist could say was "Your phone's not here anymore. You might want to check with the HQ." Which is rather ridiculous cos I sent it for repair in July, they called me to quote the price which I declined the job because it was too costly ($300 to repair a phone I got for free), they said they'll send it back to the shop and call me to collect it once it's ready, 5 months passed with no calls or anything, I finally went to ask and now they said they don't know the exact whereabouts of my phone.

WHAT NONSENSE.

Urgh whatever.

Now I'll just wait for Thalia to send in the long-overdue sketch for the long-overdue slide. Then Lays can send in to the media team and we'll be done for the camp collaboration.

Then I'll need to figure out how to get to SSS tomorrow morning.

2010-11-30T20:48:00.002+08:00

OFFICIALLY HYPED FOR

CHRISTMAS ! ! !

Last official choir practice of 2010... was spent more on a psychology lesson with TT.

Thinking about it, I've gone through so much with this choir this year sans Olomouc trip.

I've grown up a little bit more with this choir, I guess. No matter what happened, whether it was good or bad, still it made me learnt a lot. Guess I have to be thankful towards this choir in certain ways, and to certain people too.

It's 24 days to Christmas service and I have... roughly 40 cards still untouched. Tsktsk.

Minus 4 days at camp I'll have 20 days left.

Let's do some Math, for allocative efficiency I'll probably aim to do 2 cards a day from now.

Me being me, I think I should start from cards for people that I know I won't really meet till Christmas. In case something big happens in between then my card becomes irrelevant how.

I have already made like 6 different lists of who-to-write-to, and the list still keeps changing!

(Can you sense that I'm just typing in excitement?)

Christmas invites not even handed out yet I already have the people hahaha and we're all very excited! (Still waiting to confirm with Yanlin, Reg, Fern and Esmond but Nab, May and TT are coming!) Was actually hesitating to ask because usually people are quite busy during Christmas but I know this is an awesomely awesome opportunity to feel the true warmth and love of Christmas!

But still...

I should just stop procrastinating for writing the cards already.

Step #1: Retrieve box of Christmas cards from storage and put on the center of the desk.

2010-11-29T22:56:00.003+08:00

Healing

Incantation.

And at last, I see the light
And it's like the fog has lifted
And at last, I see the light
And it's like the sky is new
And it's warm and real and bright
And the world has somehow shifted
All at once
Everything looks different
Now that I see you

Feeling very accomplished after watching BOTH Rapunzel in 3D and Harry Potter today back to back! But probably our movie sequence was wrong, because Rapunzel can obviously serve as a very good anti-depressant for Harry Potter. Aww man I felt so depressed after they buried Dobby (it's not a spoiler if you've read the books) and the movie ended right after. One random musing, why can't the male leads in animations be real? Like this Flynn Rider guy, and the Metroman from Megamind, and other old Disney animations... I think they're quite hot hahaha especially Flynn Rider I love the smoulder *fangirl moment*

And Harry Potter was just, as usual, the bomb. I love their sets and details even, if you haven't noticed, their printed props (referring to the books, posters, magazines, and obviously the Daily Prophet) are really awesomely made. I especially love the biography of Albus Dumbledore that Hermione stole from Bathilda Bagshot's house.

Anyways, is it just me but I really love reading the books again after watching the movies, then watch the movies again and read the books again. :)

That's why I have the Deathly Hallows and Tales of Beedle the Bard on my desk now.

But it's kind of a sentimental (I'm so sorry I lost the actual word for this) feeling that the entire Harry Potter phenomenon is drawing to a close soon don't you think? I grew up reading Potter, watching Potter, dreaming about Potter, and now a part of me just feels empty that something from my childhood is really ending too.

2010-11-26T00:32:00.002+08:00

Hyped for

XLB II!

I like the cool, rainy weather...

only when I get to stay home and laze in my bed.

I hate walking into puddles everywhere. ):

Reminded me alot of Chung Cheng and its always flooding lake and roads.

Toady Mrs Lee spoke to me personally during choir.

She's the second teacher that has come to tell me that I somehow have "died down" in the bottom half of the year. I agree. I don't know what has come over me the past few months, but I've always been feeling stressed, drained out, pressurised, alone and a failure. To be more correct I know why I'd become like this but actually they're just a load of seemingly stupid reasons. When she said that she believed I can pull through because she knows that I have a strong church support I just wanted to cry. To be honest, I haven't exactly been sharing my problems, burdens and insecurities to all the church people because I don't want to be thought of as a pest. Not like I'm not a pest yet. I just can't bring myself to pour myself out vulnerably to anyone now, not after what has happened, not after what people have said and not after what I've heard. I can't. Nowadays I feel a barrier in my heart that is growing and drawing a line between me and people. I find it hard to open up to everyone and anyone, I find it hard to want to trust people again, I find it hard to just speak up even. I feel as if my every move is being watched, every word I say is being accessed and every expression I have is being scrutinised upon. Is this what they call spiritual struggle? Because this has definitely hindered my walk with God, the ultimate reason why I still go to church. I don't want my relationship with God to be affected by temporal people in my life, but yet I know one day it'll just hit me so hard that I cannot take it anymore. And there are times I ask myself whether all church people are sincere and genuine to their fellow church people, or is it just out of a norm, out of courtesy, out of politeness? Surely I've seen people who weren't very nice towards their non-believer friends too. Sometimes I get lost in my own thinking. Because I just can't figure anything out. I just really desire to worship and devote myself to God as passionately as when I first came in.

God, whatever that has happened, whatever that is happening, remove them from my sight for You so that I can focus on You and only You.

On a slightly lighter note, choir has been awesome because...

WE HAVE MANAGED TO DO A COMPLETE RUN OF

KOUTE TANDE + KALINDA AND HEAR MY PRAYER!!!

Yeaaa choice pieces done, next up will be the set piece which is the tricky part.

And I secretly think that our "cheapo" open house song (I'll Be There) is actually more difficult than Kalinda, for the altos at least. Ironic but yes.

And I'm so excited for tomorrow's practice but I can't say why... yet.

Even more excited for when Simon ends his A's and we can all go on a XLB outing again! Good times :)

2010-11-23T22:47:00.003+08:00

How long

must this on?

Get lucky.

I have the best of luck amongst everyone I bet.

I meet the best of people who treat me with utmost sincerity and respect.

Oh yeah sure it's so true that it makes the dictionary incredible.

Oh and by the way, welcome to Project Work Encore.

2010-11-22T20:18:00.003+08:00

Words

& Empowerment.

Today feels good... well, most of today did. For once in a very long while.

I skipped Econs lecture with Regina for the second time to shop for Theresa's birthday goodie bag. Not exactly proud of it because what came waiting for us was... (drum rolls)

3000-WORD ESSAY AND 15-MINUTES VIDEO.

The freebie that came along?

WORK IN GROUPS OF 4.

(Inserts miserable noises)

The thing I hate most about school now after a year in JC is no doubt projects in groups.

The feeling of being miserably empty and lonely is starting to hit the clique.

I miss the skinship Yanlin always loves to do (we're straight relax).

I miss how Sonia is always the source of jokes or the joke itself.

Is this the feeling? Of not knowing until it's gone?

Choir was pleasant though not exactly awesome-sounding. The choir quarantine area has officially re-opened I guess. And it sucks when you're sick, sitting at the back staring and listening to them, because you feel an overwhelming urge to sing along. I honestly think Koute Tande's gonna sound great, soon. But honestly again, I don't like the alto part for I'll Be There. ): The life story of an alto...

There's officially something wrong with my Fina guitar's tuning. Haven't tuned it for awhile because the previous time Brian tried to tune the strings they nearly snapped. So Mr Toh tuned it and hahaha the 4th string now is interestingly out of tune. Thank God for my brilliant yellow post-it now I can be independent instead of squinting at the scores that TT flips insanely everytime. Talking about TT, he played some old school chinese song that he used to magnetise girls just now. Erm, verdict is... times have changed hahaha.

But it's also thanks to this -according to himself- "sick man tired man" that I have been presented with endless opportunities time after time even though I'm really not very good.

Er but saying thank you to him in his view is considered funny also because of me.

And sometimes I really get lost in what he's trying to say in smses.

Funny. But still thanks for believing in me.

"I've faith in you." Will never forget.

Okay meeting Thalia from Illustrators to work on our Designers x Illustrators collaboration for camp! Excited for how God's gonna work! :)

TT's sms just came in. I am lost again I think he's trying to be funny as usual.

Funny = like how he brought up Germany's octopus Paul and him going for a haircut with Puyol.

2010-11-19T20:08:00.002+08:00

Doesn't seem that easy,

does it?

This week has been such a messy week.

And it just went by like that. Time to be honest with myself and clean up.

2010-11-18T23:06:00.002+08:00

Will you...

pull me from the flames?

I hate it when everyone makes a big deal about something personal.

This is a tough period for me and it's definitely something I've got to overcome on my own.

On the other hand, tomorrow's the official 1-year mark that I've been in NYJC choir.

So many people have come and gone, so many things have happened.

1 year on, I'm the alto section leader who constantly feels inferior just because I really think my ability to teach a choir or a section has left me ever since my Chung Cheng days as their student conductor.

I, now, in NY choir = fail.

Now I look at the set piece and I want to cry.

Oh yeah but hey, wasn't that the exact feeling when I first saw Everyone Sang and White Horses too? Vahhh I just hope everything will iron themselves out fine soon. Kalinda and Hear My Prayer are both starting to get on track already so eggcited.

Recently I've been addicted to McFly's single from their latest album featuring Taio Cruz, called Shine A Light. This band has really grown from their All About You days and I think Tom has a striking resemblance to Siwon. Or maybe it's just me.

Anyway, I'm biased so I highly recommend everyone to check out that song!

2010-11-16T23:37:00.002+08:00

Don't

Break even.

A Levels next year.

2011 graduate.

That's what's confirmed.

The rest, I don't know.

How would you feel,

if the people who claim to be your "family" and your source of strength and support and people that you're supposed to trust in actually turned their backs against you?

Betrayal? Been there done that.

I don't know how much space I still have left on my back for the knives.

I don't know how I'm going to continue to endure this.

I opened my heart and life to let you in and yet what did you do?

I don't know.

It'll take me doubly or probably a few more times harder to trust again. Ever.

Ms Victor: "The girl that first came into this school was more alive, excited, enthusiastic, cheerful and intelligent. But I wonder where she had gone to, and who is this empty soul in my class now. I need you to go on a journey to find yourself back."

2010-11-15T20:43:00.005+08:00

And then
I'm left all alone again.

I'm just damn scared something bad will happen again when I open my eyes again tomorrow.

It was just a freaking week that I didn't go to the hospital to see her.

And now everything's different.

IT WILL NEVER FREAKING BE THE SAME AGAIN. HECK.

Now what? What next?

I wanted to bang myself into the wall when I went to hospital yesterday night.

I cannot accept this.

Seriously, I've had enough of hospitals in just 17 years.

It's become my frequent hangout place for family gatherings.

And the worst thing about such family gatherings at such places?

The relatives still make stupid comparisons about you and particular cousins.

Do you think I had a choice in not taking any Science subjects?

"Ah, why you never take sciences so you can be doctor like your cousin then can do so many admirable things..."

"Whoa you do Arts stream what do you expect to do next time man... What were you thinking?"

Sure, sure. I don't do sciences so I can't be doctor so I can't intern at the hospital to check on my grandma's medical record and reports. Then what else can I do but just sulk at the lounge?

And now my mom had the cheek to ask me "You really don't want to consider studying med school in future?"

OH PLEASE.

...

Okay that was basically frustration.

I need a great escape now.

No one understands. Because they can't.

And then results are coming out tomorrow.

Seriously... as if my life can't be anymore messed up than this.

"You pray and pray and pray... but what's the point? The situation never turns around. Your God doesn't even want to help you. You see, nobody's listening to you. All you've been doing was to live in a fantasy."

I. Don't. Know.

2010-11-14T13:24:00.002+08:00

Tell me

how is it;

To breathe with no air.

To walk with no legs.

2010-11-12T23:12:00.002+08:00

Never

Grow Up.

Choir's gonna be different without you girl. Really different.

No more confidante moments at the back of the room.

No more giving each other funny looks.

No more laughing over silly jokes and jokers.

No more.

I'm curious how I'm gonna survive for another year (hopefully just one year) when I'm stuck in this alone.

God is this a sign for me to learn to grow up?

I guess I have to be thankful for what God has put between us for the past 51 weeks.

Next week makes it 1 year and the new juniors are coming in already.

But I'm going to respect your decision and I believe God has His own plans for you in what you've chosen.

Thanks for being there for me all this while!

Just another fangirl shoutout.

I HEART TAYLOR SWIFT ALOT MUCH.

Schedule's starting to get busier.

Choir 4x a week/ Camp designing/ Volunteer teams/ Designer meetings/ Volunteer meetings/ Christmas carding/ STUDYING

2010-11-09T21:49:00.002+08:00

The

End?

Sometimes it's just so hard to continue.

Because even when they say it's not about a set of rules,

it actually appears to be.

I don't want to be who people want me to be.

I just want to be myself.

Where did freedom disappear to?

They say the truth sets us free,

but sometimes I think it's trapping me in.

Time after time I question myself.

Will I ever make it past the 1-year mark?

I don't know.

And I guess I never will.

2010-11-04T23:54:00.002+08:00

BREAK FREE

and dance.

Today was plain madness.

Deadline for I&R and GPF today but my awesome group didn't have the updated GPP, or rather we didn't even have a ready hard copy of GPP (awesome to a new height). And the "your fault her fault not my fault" game was played again and in the end I was forced to fight the crowd in the com lab to redo a whole new copy of GPP alone because nobody else in the group bothered to.

To be honest, I felt really pissed. I mean, isn't it common sense that GPF will need to have the GPP? Afterall, they both contain the letters GP right. And I clearly remembered my leader telling us to concentrate on our own I&R while she will settle the GPP yesterday. I think she forgot? Or else all this chaos wouldn't have happened right.

And I was made the scapegoat just because someone complained to my teacher about me and me going to church again. Seriously, I already made it quite clear since last week that I can't do a meeting this Saturday no matter what because I have a design meet and a bulletin debrief, and now to add on, I need to go back to Chung Cheng in the morning and obviously I want to be at service to see my first ever bulletin published. So stop being unreasonable and complain about me when you're almost as self-centered as like how you claimed I was. Why can must we only have meetings on the days you're free? Why can't we have it on days that I am? Then probably you'll stop complaining about me right, because you just refuse to open your eyes and look clearly at this entire ridiculous situation. And my dental appointment on Monday was booked 2 months ago why are you even blaming me now? You didn't even tell me there was going to be a meeting on Monday evening until this morning. Not like I can predict the future right? Stop acting crazy towards me and give me a break seriously.

Sometimes I'm just so angry with myself that I can't control myself and hold myself to biblical principles in handling matters with my group leader. Because it's just so damn hard if only someone would just help me. I just really am thankful that at least Yanlin and Theresa understands.

Hung out with the two girls at Bishan after an excruciating meeting just now. We were shopping at NTUC and ogling at expensive Doraemon caramel puddings versus cheap Marigold caramel puddings. In the end we bought the latter and a whole load of sweets and nonsense. Let loose at Nature Republic trying all the nail paints and Yanlin and I bought this extremely Gaga-electric silver and I also bought this very nice light shade of teal. Theresa didn't buy anything in the end cos she couldn't decide between the red and the blue. Walked around with Theresa after Yanlin left at Marble Slab, Artbox and Comics Connection. Artbox is just seriously ridiculously overpriced and I managed to control myself from buying a Siwon nametag. ): We're so going to Marble Slab on Tuesday after OP ends to celebrate the end of Pointless Work!

Met up with Ngai first after that at Toa Payoh and we tried this new bubble tea shop that was quite bad. I managed to do up one more slide and 2 workshop logos for camp service support when we went to the library. Chunks and Grace came after that and we just sat at the square for like almost half an hour?

Dinner with Ngai at Plaza Sing followed by dessert at 313. I think we're true blue gluttons. Milk tea, chicken buns, black pepper beef rice, curry noodles, (nearly ate some Jap ramen), Cold Rock mix-ins. We can just kill ourselves on the weighing machine now. ):

2010-11-03T22:09:00.002+08:00

Teardrops on My Guitar...

because they're depending on me.

(warning: photospam of zai guitarists I look up to wahahahaha)

Ooooooo-kay.

So that was the real thing.

I'm really playing the guitar with TT on the piano for our Glee number.

I thought he meant it as a joke.

Some people might just think that "nah, what a tiny small thing it is only" but I think otherwise. I'm not a rookie in playing the guitar but neither am I as zai as Brian or Caleb or whoever (quite obvious seeing how Caleb's my guitar mentor and how Brian will soon become too).

My soon-to-be guitar mentor (after his A's) and my current shifu who gave me endless opportunites. :)

And nor do I play like Jon Tay, Bryan or Jefferson.

And all the while the only times I've played the guitar formally was during lifegroup and unit lifegroup's worship. And perhaps that once in some modular training class when me, Sonia and Jin wrote this song on the guitar (check out song on Facebook). Hmmm so this is actually a big step for me out of my comfort zone. Minus the worship setting but add in the jamming feel?

But I guess I really want to thank God that at least TT thinks I can do it.

Or else I'll just probably sit somewhere alone and think forever to myself that I cannot make it I cannot make it I cannot make it.

I don't know man, I'll try and figure this out soon.

Mental note to self: Need to find Caleb soon to brush up on plucking.

Mental note to self x2: Watch out for TT's cologne (wooo the smell is just practically stuck and clouding up my brain now, TT did you finish the whole bottle today?)

God, I want to be a zai guitarist!

P.S. PW still sucks.

P.P.S. I miss my Fender Hello Kitty guitar. ): I hope Chunks' taking good care of it.

Yours sincerely,

the sometimes can be quite cui guitarist. ):

2010-10-31T00:03:00.002+08:00

Be the Most Serious
Christian you can ever be.

Today was an extremely powerful day.

Shopped idly around 313 in the morning while waiting for Grace, and finally decided to buy the long-coveted Taylor Swift albums (deluxe and platinum versions) and the new Madeleine Wickham book.

Talked about the week's burden over shepherding and got reminded of certain truths and burdens. Met Lays after that to settle November's bulletin design and she gave me my exam pack which was really nice. Anyway, I'm really happy after submitting the design cos that means I have overcome my own insecurities and worries earlier and my work is finally going to be distributed largely in print to bless many! :) Can't wait for next week when it comes out. A few months ago this wouldn't have been possible, I was apprehensive all the way until the first draft was done because Illustrator was total stranger to me, and the bulletin designs were all along awesome what if mine destroys everything for the year?

Service was powerful. Pastor Jeff cancelled sermon (that's why I'm listening to the podcast now) to talk to us and pray for everyone. Powerful powerful powerful afternoon God was moving in all the hearts. Really broke my own heart thinking about how much difference there is in my heart attitude and hunger for God between when I first came and now.

Jon Tay's farewell was a warm and touching affair. All those performances by all the lifegroups made me want to cry, and I couldn't hold it in anymore when he sang his songs for us and spoke to us. Here is one man that has impacted, influenced and build the lives of many for God's Kingdom. Anyhow, let's all pray that God will empower him in leading the people in North and also Caleb and the new team in leading the unit to greater glory. :)

Dinner with the lifegroup after that at Plaza Sing. Haven't felt such a warm family feeling among the group for very long. I can't remember the last time we spent such an enjoyable time in each other's presence and having so much fun fellowshipping. Or when we just let go of everything and just talk to each other so comfortably. God, I really want more of such moments, because we are a lifegroup, a family, so it doesn't make any sense that we don't fellowship together isn't it?

Hmmm, think I want to pray for the J2s in the group. Can see that A's are sucking the life out of them but God, don't let paralyze them. For fear takes joy out of their lives. Empower them with faith! Give them strength! Anoint them with wisdom!

Next chapter.

2010-10-30T00:23:00.002+08:00

I'll spend forever wondering

if you knew I was enchanted to meet you.

If...

Like they say the Czech trip was their life,

doesn't it mean that I have no life and I might as well just go and die now.

But,

Thank you TT for even looking upon me having the ability to be the guitarist for our open house performance.

Even if everyone else looks down on me.

I'll still believe in the fact that at least I'm given the opportunity.

And I'll prove it to my audience of One.

Designers meet, shepherding, service and Jon Tay's farewell tomorrow.

God I pray our lifegroup's performance will go well!

We want to impress You only and no one else.

2010-10-28T22:44:00.002+08:00

Breathe

because I believe.

Yeah right. So we got back promo papers yesterday and my future's... undecided.

Got a CESUU this time round as compared to midterms' DEUUU but was quite surprising the subjects sort of switched positions. Worst H2 subject (Geography) became my best while best H2 pass (Lit) dropped to a sub-pass. Oh man what the heck. To think I actually aimed for a AABCC (namely GP, Lit, Geog, Econs and Math respectively). Seriously, Econs and Math can just ignore me. But nonetheless thank God that I doubled my midterms' marks for Geog and Math this time round what a leap.

But still... I'm 3.5 marks away to meet promotion criteria (minus the tallying of overall marks) thanks to Lit.

GOD WILL YOU HELP ME?

2010-10-27T22:09:00.002+08:00

Keep.

Holding. On.

Nearly broke down halfway through combined in choir today.

Mr Toh decided to forget about SYF for today and we did Glee's cover of Keep Holding On.

That feeling was just... too emotional.

And when Melo picked up my hand, and when all the altos held hands together to sing,

I just really wanted to cry.

2010-10-20T22:49:00.002+08:00

When the world

has seen the light;

They will dance with joy!

I think God has been good to be even in times of the dumps.

Even though my PW groupmate treated me worse than a piece of rubbish.

Even though I'm just like a Kurt Hummel in choir now.

Even though my promo results are still unknown.

Even though I'm really afraid I'll screw up badly for worship tomorrow.

Even though I'm dying coping with Illustrator for next month's bulletin.

But still I know God is watching out for me. :)

Slave-driven during PW? Fine.

Outcasted in choir? Fine.

Unclear about my future directions? Fine.

Sucking as a guitarist for worship tomorrow? Fine.

Trying to cope with Illustrator? Fine.

Whatever. Because God will make a way in every situation, I believe.

That's my belief and what I stand for.

The end.

2010-10-18T21:38:00.002+08:00

Many are the plans in a man's heart,
but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

(Sighs)

Garnered up the courage to talk to a classmate about God's love.

She is my PW group leader, just celebrated her 17th birthday and... she just lost her grandma. All in one weekend.

Really placed a burden on my heart to reach out to her even though in the past we might have some misunderstandings or arguments.

Which made me realise how I've been sub-consciously not outreaching for quite awhile.

I don't want to just outreach for ESS, for Matthew lifegroup, for Easter, for Christmas. I want to outreach for God's Kingdom to be lived and known.

It was so hard for me to take the first step to bring it up that I cried.

Gosh, Christina. What have you been doing? Where were you when these unwatered seeds needed water to grow? Why were you clouded and blinded by your own sinful nature? Who are you to choose who you wanted to outreach to?

The same goes for the other classmate, and another classmate, and another classmate. And the choir friend. Seriously, I suck.

Promos results coming out for other schools already, and some of my closest sisters are already not doing well. God I really pray that you'll pull us through this period together rooted in you.

On a lighter note, I HAVE to get THAT guitar I saw with Grace during shepherding today. (Shall not reveal venue and brand and type in case someone goes and buy it like what happened to my ideal Takamine the previous time.)

Anyway, PW is back on full steam. Yay-y-y.

2010-10-17T01:24:00.003+08:00

Love this feeling,

thank God.

No more the days of us being able to fit into the small benches at the side while other groups find themselves with insufficient space please.

It feels so surreal that the lifegroup is finally complete again and everyone is back together.

Even though it felt a little strange also.

But I was so excited that I felt angry at myself for having to attend the scholarship presentation ceremony.

God please let sustain this for me, for us, will You?

On the sidenote, I think I got a little tipsy after liqour chicken and liqour chocolates by Mom and Caleb today so I couldn't stop laughing after that. I think it kind of freaked Stella and Ngai out, but thank God for these girls (and Kelvin) for keeping me company and even wanting to send me home (but it's seriously insane to send me to Tampines and then rush back to Yishun/ Bishan/ Woodlands) and also Chunkiat for all spamming my phone to check on me. Fiona tried to keep me awake on the train home for 10 minutes by smsing me but after that she lost me. And Brian's wake up call came 10 minutes later so I just kept on sleeping and sleeping. BUT STILL, I think it was quite funny, today.

I talked to Stella too, amidst the drunkenness. Ah the both are us are somehow living in the same sort of family situation aren't we? Somehow it's heartwarming to know that there's someone who really knows what kind of things you go through and how it feels. Not like the others don't care but sometimes somethings you can only know and understand once you've experienced you see. Really glad we are both helping each other out in our situations, and I really pray that her mom will change her mind after reading her 10-message-long sms (that I'm vetting for her now)!

Meanwhile...

While I need to absorb my "to-do" list for November's bulletin design (which is alot),

Fiona are we going out tomorrow?

2010-10-15T00:30:00.003+08:00

Sorry
doesn't seem to be the hardest word.

:)

I think maybe I want to thank God for letting me and Brian have that nasty argument last night.

Not that I want to hear him say sorry over and over again.

Not that I want to cry in front of him and make him feel worse.

Not that I want to receive a peacemaking present from him.

But it felt good to trash things out together.

Once in a while though. If this happens everyday I think I'll die very fast.

Maybe once in a while it's good to hear him keep saying sorry.

Maybe once in a while it's good to cry in front him and make him look bad.

Maybe once in a while it's good to receive a peacemaking present.

But once in a while it's really good to be angry at each other and throw things out to talk.

Maybe I should appoint him as my arguing buddy.

It might be good for health.

And we really acted out the literal meaning of 握手言和 (direct translation means to shake heads and be harmonious in speech) to patch up.

Which was quite funny. And strange.

Because I think that's something I last did in... ... ... kindergarten?

P.S. Loved the jamming session with Bryan, Zuoen and Jefferson today. :)

P.P.S. Even though today I cried alot but I'm much happier than usual. I feel.

2010-10-13T18:38:00.003+08:00

So this is me,

swallowing my pride.

When I don't say anything doesn't mean I'm okay.

This is getting over the top.

I want to be irresponsible and carefree and not care about whatever that's been going on too.

I wasn't even given a choice.

This is all so unfair.

Maybe this is a mistake and I didn't know what I was getting myself into.

Whatever musical genes that were running in my blood are probably all draining out now.

I can't figure out the songs properly because it's my own incompetence.

I'm damn stressed and nobody cares and instead I get bombed.

Now I think I'm starting to understand what "someone who'd prefer to be kept anonymous" from my previous choir that said "you are killing my passion" means.

Whatever.

2010-10-11T20:13:00.001+08:00

1 second, 2 seconds,

3 seconds, 4 seconds...

If this is the way things are, then I want to die.

2010-10-10T10:46:00.002+08:00

Papa,

can you hear me?

Papa, can you hear me?
Papa, can you hear me?
Papa can you find me in the night?
Papa are you near me?
Papa, can you hear me?
Papa, can you help me not be frightened?
Looking at the skies I seem to see
A million eyes which ones are yours?
Where are you now that yesterday
Has waved goodbye
And closed its doors?
The night is so much darker;
The wind is so much colder;
The world I see is so much bigger
Now that I'm alone.
Papa, please forgive me.
Try to understand me;
Papa, don't you know I had no choice?
Can you hear me praying,
Anything I'm saying
Even though the night is filled with voices?
I remember everything you taught me
Every book 1've ever read...
Can all the words in all the books
Help me to face what lies ahead?
The trees are so much taller
And I feel so much smaller;
The moon is twice as lonely
And the stars are half as bright...
Papa, how I love you...
Papa, how I need you.
Papa, how I miss you
Kissing me good night...

Can you hear me praying for both my grandmas?

2010-10-08T22:20:00.002+08:00

Irreversible.

HAPPY BIRTHDAYS TO NGAI AND CALEB! :D

Ga-in rocks. Awesome song and choreography she's got there!

Everybody please go listen to the song and watch the music video.

Promos aside, I'm really glad I chose to go ahead playing guitar for lifegroup today. (: Like even though Grace gave me an option cos of promos, but I was thinking "Hey serving God never should be put on hold just because of other stuff!" Hahaha but that meant that Brian's third time leading worship was still paired with me mwaha I hope I haven't done him injustice... To be honest my plucking was really bad when my guitar shifu returns from the land down under I will get it.

Jamming session with Ngai before lifegroup! Quite a good way to destress and we even wrote a song for Brian uber hilarious but I think he will just chuckle and shake his head hahaha.

Erm... my train of thoughts just got cut off because I'm having this real bad headache like my head's gonna split apart anytime.

2010-10-07T20:14:00.002+08:00

What if God

was one of us?

Tuesday night's episode of "Grilled Cheesus" on Glee was probably one of the best and touching. Go watch it if you haven't, but this episode daringly used religion as its theme. But I was quite sad watching Kurt.

He said, “I think God is kind of like Santa clause for adults, otherwise gods kind of a jerk isn’t he? I mean he makes me gay and has his followers going around telling me it’s something I chose, as if someone would choose to be mocked every single day of their life.”

Hmmm. But I cried after that, especially when he sang I Wanna Hold Your Hand.

Anyway, I have this sinking feeling about promos now. I got owned by Shakespeare.

Math tomorrow.

2010-10-06T08:26:00.002+08:00

I'd never sing of love;
if it does not exist.

"I made him a card that said, heart attacks are just from loving too much."

How sweeter can Brittany be?

No, I haven't succumbed to temptation and watched last night's episode alright. But so many spoilers coming in and apparently it was a tearjerker already in the first 15 minutes. Anyhow, I'm really looking forward to catching up for this episode (GRILLED CHEESUS) cos it's all about God and stuff. And this thing that Sue said in the promo clip made me quite sad in a way:

"After a while, I realized that it wasn’t that I wasn’t praying hard enough - it was that no one was listening."
-Sue Sylvester

Sigh. I've got a great feeling I'll cry till no stop when I watch this episode. Because just by watching trailers is already making me very very very sad! ):

Anyway I cried during breakfast. Woke up in the morning with the worst wake-up call ever. I don't really want to talk about it because quoting Sue, "no one was listening", and no one will.

I think I want promos to go on forever and ever. Because I don't want to face the aftermath of it, nor do I want to return to my life before promos. It'll be good to just stay this way. I feel happier, in a way.

Geography paper in the afternoon shall shut myself away from now.

Thanks for any concern (or none), but I guess I don't deserve anything anyway to start off with.

2010-10-04T20:45:00.002+08:00

You have rights,

SO WHAT?

I have rights too. Then this will go on like some cyclical punishment for all of us. (Yes GP paper anyone?)

I am so speechless now I don't know how to write what I want to write.

Right. Bye. Back to promos.

2010-10-02T23:41:00.002+08:00

If I die young,

what would I have wanted?

The sharp knife of a short life.

This song has been right at the top of my iTunes and iPod playlist for the past week. And coincidentally or not I've heard of a few tragic lives that has left us. Hmm am I the only who's feeling this kind of immense sadness? And is it really true that we only tend to pay attention to people after they're gone?

A penny for my thoughts, oh no I’ll sell them for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I’m a goner
And maybe then you’ll hear the words I been singin’
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin’

Still, a beautiful song written.

And I really pray that Mrs Lee Kuan Yew and Miss Tan Mingwei will rest in peace. Wonderful and brilliant people we've lost. And it hurts even more that Miss Tan died on her birthday sigh the harsh reality of life, hope they'll really take action against that London bus driver.

Anyway back to myself, I must say I really am glad that I went for service after all today. Had been contemplating whether it was a wise move or whether I was endangering my exams by putting the hours at church instead of clocking it in with the books. Hmm a sign of lack of faith and a shallow heart isn't it? But what made me go in the end was because God was knocking on the door of my heart again. Part of the reason I went was because I felt obliged to pass Caleb's cards to Jontay and Yongkang, but more of it was because I felt guilty somehow. Like how Fiona said before jokingly "I think about how great God has been to me so I cannot backslide", even though it was a joke but it really left a huge impression on me ever since. Yeah God has been so faithful in my life and blessing me so abundantly how is it possible that my heart wants to stop reciprocating this love?

When I heard about news of my grandma earlier in the week, I knew instinctively that I did not seek God immediately. Instead I indulged in my own self-pity and sorrows, and after that even questioning God's presence in my life.

And when Yanlin told me about her decision I couldn't help but cry on the inside. Then I asked God "How? How? How? I don't want to have an uncompleted work in this sister that I treasure so much. God aren't You not going to do anything about it?" Again I failed to just be still and await for God to show me His plans. Yes, I hate uncompleted works. This whole year's outreaching for me has been rather much a flop can I say that? Really need to grow in these areas.

When Daniel told us to do the Sinners' Prayer at the start during worship today I really felt my heart cringing. It's been quite awhile but I will never forget how badly I broke down on Fiona's shoulders when we prayed together for the very first time. Really reminded me of how "Hey, God is an awesome God and He is my God of my life" I always felt.

Regarding today, I got mistaken for being pregnant just because I was wearing this floral sundress. Long story but the smart me learnt from Fiona's old ways and turned the extra sling strap from my bag to become a belt. Talk about creativity.

Anyway Shermaine and I met with this sleazy pervert on the train while going home from SMU just now. At first we both didn't notice cos we were just engrossed in talking about the gangster sitting opposite us and his enormous earhole (eww). Then the guy started to sit nearer to Sherms and the next thing I knew his face was like 10cm away from her shoulder. Furthermore she was wearing a strapped dress so he kept staring at her back, shoulders and then her legs. We got so freaked out we ran out of the train at some random station. And the feeling was so traumatizing... I think you can say we were nearing the extent of being visually raped.

Hmm just want to thank God for Bryan and Chunks for helping me with Maths just now, and my East darlings (Luanchun, Misha, Yingjie, Meng, Jess etc) for never failing to putting those laughs into our lives. And my lifegroup for, simply being my lifegroup.

This is going to be a tough period and I'll need as much You can give.

P.S. Brian if you're reading this too, you should be studying too!

2010-10-01T22:39:00.002+08:00

Blessings over

Distress.

I think I've lost count how many times I've broken down today.

Dear God,

I really don't know what to do.

I want to help Yanlin, I want to be there for her and motivate her.

Am I being selfish by wanting to keep her in school?

School will be totally different without her. There'll be no one sharing the birthday surprises with me anymore.

I'm aching so much seeing her in pain and I can feel her heart closing.

God you've got to help me. Give me Your hand and guide me along.

And my grandma too.

But no matter I'll still feel blessed in Your presence. :)

(Keeping a prayerful heart.)

Happy children's day to the inner kid in me.

2010-09-30T20:27:00.002+08:00

Total eclipse;

of the heart.

Each heart knows its own bitterness, and no one else can share its joy.

Nobody knows.

Nor do I actually.

Dear God, my grandma's not even that old.

(We need more time.)

2010-09-29T18:06:00.002+08:00

Destination:

The Kingdom of God.

The last proper week before our fates in JC are being decided.

I'm nostalgic about this whole thing. Hmmm don't know what to say.

Met up with Caleb for his birthday treat that I promised yesterday after school and we went for Gelare's woohoo Tuesday half-priced waffles! And after that he thought I was going home so we took the train together and I detoured after he alighted to go back to Paya Lebar to meet few of the lifegroup people for his surprise prayer meet. (This guy's flying off to Australia, or rather, he has already flown there this morning hah.)

Shifu I downloaded the acoustic albums already ahhh your disciple is efficient max okay!

Come back safely soon, see you soon!

Study leave for 2 days ahhh God please I need your intercession to discipline me.

2010-09-27T18:56:00.000+08:00

Putting Others

before Yourself.

I swear after this blog post I will get back to mugging my heads nuts.

Recently I haven't been in the right frame of mind I guess.

The thought of promos is just... terrifying (lack of vocab). Time has gone past so quickly and now I find myself vis-a-vis only 7 days left to promos. Honestly, I'm not prepared. Living in fear constantly, fearing for myself and my friends. So fearful that I couldn't hold back myself and started crying right at the start of prayer meet last Saturday. Told myself to stop but the tears wouldn't listen and I wanted to just hide away there and then. It's been very very very long since I broke down during service, but I found myself doing it more often recently. So fearful and so vulnerable because I feel like a lost soul wandering in nothingness.

I've been living in this for ages:

I'm so upset with myself for ending up in this state. The problem is that I've always taken things for granted. From 300 days to 200 days to 100 days to 50 days to 25 days to 10 days and now this. It's too late to turn back time now and all I can only do is to forge through this stormy waters.

Seeing how people around are breaking down and giving up on themselves just because they think they've tried hard enough but nothing's working breaks my heart.

I myself feel lost too; I don't know what to do and there's not exactly anyone I can talk to about it.

One place we can always seek refuge in - God's Kingdom and His Word.

I was sitting quietly with my heart crying out for God's presence and help when this word came across in my heart.

7 "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.

- Matthew 7:7-8

I think God wants to tell me that whatever I want to achieve I have to ask for it first, which is to work hard and put in all my best so that at the end it will be a well-deserved victory that has been fought for. God is opening up all the doors for me to grab the opportunities, but what have I been waiting for? What have I been doing?

Carpe Diem. . . ?

2010-09-24T10:47:00.000+08:00

HOW
NOW?

Honestly...
everyone's been saying "We can't make it to year 2..."
I don't want to believe in it either.

YEAR 2 WAIT FOR ME!!!

2010-09-20T21:39:00.002+08:00

"Agape",

Where art thou?

Dennis 老大 (finally) got hitched on Saturday!

I am never a frequent wedding-goer, but I must say that Saturday's wedding really got me thinking. Not thinking in a "when will it be my turn?" way, but thinking about how miraculous love can turn out to be.

I can't say that I have never experienced love at home before all these 17 years of my life, because that would be doing my parents (especially my mom) great injustice. But I can't say I'm the most loved child in this whole wide world either. I don't recall anytime in my 17 years of me saying "I love you" to my dad. The time never came. The courage never got picked up. The words never came out. Maybe I did, when I was 3? I can't remember. This very well shows how screwed up my entire family system went.

I remember the first time I ever heard the word 'divorce' coming up in one of my parents' frequent fights was when I was 5 years old. It was like any other normal Sunday night, we went out for our usual Sunday routine but the parents came back quarreling over a pair of shoes. I don't remember what happened next but the next thing I knew was that I was trashing and crying in bed because I was so scared to wake up the next morning without my mom or without my dad.

And from then on the nightmares never stopped. Time to time the 'D' word made its visits in the household, and family relations couldn't get any worse than this. When my dad suddenly got hospitalized last year I thought that God was giving my parents a chance at reconciling, but maybe I thought too much. I think this empty space in my heart my dad has left for me can never be filled. I am stubborn I must admit, but I myself know that no matter how hard my mom tries or how much she puts in to act as both herself as a mother and as a father, the hole will never be filled. This is a decay.

There have been so many things I've been waiting to ask, but no one was here to answer for me.

Dad do you know the lightbulb fused?

Dad do you know there's a lizard behind the washing machine?

Dad do you know my night vision is deteriorating?

Dad do you know the light in the guest room is flickering?

Dad do you know my promos are coming?

Dad do you know how much mummy has compromised?

I can't ask these to my mom. Not my friends. Not my teachers. Not my pastors. Not my lifegroup. Not God. Simple questions that any other kid can ask their father any time of the day, but I can't.

I haven't talked to my dad in ages. And ironically I miss that night when I was 3, when I got terribly sick and you rushed home from work to send me to the hospital. If that was the only way you could've shown your love to me I don't think I mind falling sick a few more times.

Listening to Dennis' sharing of his mom made me tear. My mom did almost the same as his, always the first to rise in the family, always the one cleaning up after me, always the one going the extra mile for me. I did the same as what Dennis did to his mom too; I lost my temper at her many times, I raised my voice when talking to her, I took her for granted and I never showed her my appreciation or consideration in any least bit. I feel like a total... jerk towards my mom.

But back to the point, looking at how two people deeply rooted in faith for God can come together to be united as one for love really gets me thinking again. A few times I thought to myself that love between two people never lasts because my parents have set a great enough example for me to snigger and mock at about love. But then again, Dennis and Gwen have went through their own struggles to come to today. And I guess this is truly God's will.

And my life is most probably according to His Will too. I guess.

The most important bunch of girls in my life.

And my best buddy, I still am grateful to you even though we don't do mushy because we know we'll both puke.

2010-09-13T00:31:00.002+08:00

Hello God,

I miss you.

I studied with some of the unit people.

I finished my long-overdued literature essay.

I stared at a few pages of math.

I download bible apps for my Mac.

I had small tiny moments of fellowshipping.

I went to toilet with Shermaine and Brian in a rather kiddy-girlish way.

I shared about my past with Adria.

I had dinner with my mom at Nexus.

I prepared exam kits for two of my very dear friends.

I spoke convictedly to a friend who was losing faith in his walk with God.

I conference-called the lifegroup to pray for the J2s.

I prayed for Nabillah and Simon because I know they need it.

I am going to pray for more people like David after I end this post.

I am having fun promoting lifegroup awareness week to Regina on Twitter.

This is how I spent my last day of my September break.

Back to reality...

2010-09-09T23:39:00.003+08:00

All that I am, all that I have
I lay them down before you, oh Lord.

I need a great escape.

I mean, I'm so disappointed.

I mean, I feel so let down.

I mean, I can't believe this ridiculous behavior.

I mean, I think I'm doing this in vain.

I mean, I am so speechless.

I lay my life before You tonight at Metamorphosis tonight God, and I pray for a beautiful exchange between us. Metamorphosis this time round was a whole new feeling.

Went through my old archives and it frustrates me seeing how negative things has become over just a short period of 7 months. How many times I have prayed about this, how many times have I cried about this, when will things finally improve oh God.

Really looking forward to Dennis' wedding next week, finally a time to meet up, gather and catch up with the awesome East people! Been like missing them forever. And I can't wait to see our grads' dress code idea come to fruition!

But I don't know...

This doesn't feel right.

Like something is beckoning me to leave...

2010-09-08T19:17:00.002+08:00

Building Up,
Reaching Out!

It's the sacrifices made that count.

I'm super fed-up with the whole internet banking and I pronounce myself as an internet-banking idiot. Shall just do it the conventional way through cash and envelops at Nexus personally tomorrow!

God I need more wisdom on planning my allocation of finances for the following month.

CBF, Dennis' wedding, class shirt, lifegroup shirt, choir shirt, and the want-to-haves, nice-to-haves, need-to-haves and what-nots...

Geography tutorial & lecture marathon tomorrow morning. :/

And I really pray that the shirts will turn out nice if not I will probably get it from the class and the lifegroup.

Looking forward to Metamorphism tomorrow night!

God will walk us through this journey of faith!

2010-09-07T20:10:00.002+08:00

22,204,800

This is how long I've been breathing.

Jesus sat down opposite the place where the offerings were put and watched the crowd putting their money into the temple treasury. Many rich people threw in large amounts. But a poor widow came and put in two very small copper coins, worth only a fraction of a penny.
Calling his disciples to him, Jesus said, "I tell you the truth, this poor widow has put more into the treasury than all the others. They all gave out of their wealth; but she, out of her poverty, put in everything—all she had to live on."
- Mark 12:41-44

Two lessons to be learnt from the widow's offering:
1) God values our offerings differently than men do.
2) Our attitude in giving is what is most important to God.

This is my church and I want to give as much as I can.

God, I pray You will grant us our new home.

2010-09-05T13:14:00.001+08:00

The less of me it is you
Increasing as i fade away